Last week I had the most interesting thing happen to me. I was leaving work early on a VERY rainy day to go visit my best friend and her daughter in the hospital in Indianapolis. It was going to be an hours drive and I was trying to pick up lunch on the way for both of us. The drive was rainy and I was low on gas. I stopped after about a half hour at a gas station to fill up my car. I had no wallet! I had left it at home. David was willing to drive with Bunny to meet me and bring me my wallet. I drove another half hour back towards Lafayette, with the last 10 minutes of the trip in danger, because my wipers had stopped working! I was nearly in tears and felt like all the signs were pointing me to give up and go home. I told David and he said "but who are the signs from?". How amazingly insightful! We traded cars (and the wiper blades worked just fine for him!) and I drove to Indy. I was about 1.5 hours later than I had hoped, but I spent meaningful time with my best friend, delivering lunch to her, toys to her daughter and offering her a much needed break from sitting watching her daughter go through 48 hours of medical testing. God was not telling me not to go - but I honestly think Satan was. We live in a spiritual battle field and the arrows flying around us are real! It can come in all sorts of forms, but one thing is sure - Satan does not want us doing God's work and he will fight God's purpose every step of the way. In the first chapter of Job we see a fascinating exchange between God and Satan over Job - a man blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil. And Satan tests him - not only through physical loss and loss health, but through his friends who were no comfort and gave false counsel to the Lord's will. Satan attacks Jesus through the temptation in the dessert (Matt 4:1-11), in the heart of the Pharisees that sought only to praise themselves and seek His death (Matt 23), through Peter, who speaks against Christ's death (Matt 16:21-23). Following the "signs" we see will not necessarily lead us in the right direction. Following Christ always will.
But following Christ has it's own difficulties. First, it isn't easy! Matthew 16:24 & 25 "The Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake, will find it.'"
Jesus speaks about the end times and says "Then they will deliver you to tribulation and will kill you and you will be hated by all nations because of My name." (Matt 24:9)
Secondly, we cannot rely on our own understanding as to what following God looks like for each of us. Only through prayer and studying the Word of God can we know what He desires for us. Jonah was a prophet to Israel, but didn't like it when God called Him to Nineveh. Peter defends Jesus with a sword in Gethsemane. Paul hold the cloaks of those stoning Stephen with approval and persecutes the church - a Pharisee among Pharisees. Abraham lays with Hagar thinking that he can produce his own heir. Saul, called by God to be the first king of Israel ends up consulting witches in His effort to keep his crown, when the Lord has ordained David to take his place.
We are called to follow the Lord, whereever He leads us, trusting in Him to bring us through. It isn't for us to choose our own path, even when "serving Him". Because if we are only serving God on our terms, then we are serving ourselves. It is pure arrogance to think we understand the Lord's greater plan for our lives and the lives of those around us. We are all lead through various seasons and struggles. Who are we to consider ourselves to be in control? Who am I, to lean on my own understanding?
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."
Ealier in Proverbs we are told that wise men seek council, seek learning and cry out for discernment. We are not to travel this journey alone. We are not to try to figure this all out on our own. Not even with the Scriptures by our side! None of us completely understand the Word of the Lord. One of my favorite slogans I've seen on bumper stickers and t-shirts is "Wise men still seek Him". It's usually seen around Christmas, with a picture of magi traveling beneath a start, but it is true of every believer.
Wise men (and women) seek Him first. Wise christians use all of God's blessings in scripture, biblical instruction, christian fellowship, and prayer with the Lord to discern His will. In a world that values nothing more than the self-made man - it is truly the humble who are willing to seek Him first.
There are many areas of my life to examine - marriage, work, school, parenting, friendship, family (non-immediate), service to the church. Each of these must be laid bare before His throne, offered up with no strings attached, for Him to guide me. Dear readers - pray for me. Pray that I could humble myself and let go of my plan, to hear His plan for me. Pray that I would be willing to go the distance, no matter how the powers of hell try to distract me. Pray that I would seek His face in all things.
The road is narrow, but He promises to strengthen us, encourage us and carry us through the journey - to the praise of His glorious grace! Philipians 4:19 - And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Thanks be to God!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Insecurity and Pride - A double edged sword
"Now, may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word." 2 Thes. 2:4
Go back to the disappearing ledge, looking out to oblivion. Why do we need to jump? Why can't we simply fall gracefully into the arms of our Savior? Because He tells us to come to Him. Christ says "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30 There is an active pursuit of rest required of us. In my desperation of seeing the chasm between who I am and who I want to be grow moment by moment, there is the need to jump to Him. To pursue Him. In Hebrews 4:16, we are told "Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." We go to Him.
So where do insecurity and pride fit in? Well, my insecurity is based in my desire to be better than I am. To feel a lack of confidence in who God made me to be and WORK in my own STRENGTH to be more. This is simply pride turned inside out. Instead of being proud and resting in my own strength, I am working through my insecurity to find something else I can be proud about. Either way, I am refusing to rest in the One that gives me strength. Either way, I am wrapped up in the s-factor (self) instead of running to my Savior.
When I feel criticized or marginalized (or the single greatest fear of mine - unnecessary) I start to examine myself, to find my flaws and fix them, that I would never be criticized or forgotten again. I try to make myself indispensable. I try to work out my anger or hurt and use it to fuel action. And this is so backwards from God's design.
Have you seen an exhausted three year old try to climb the stairs? They seem to melt on each step, crying as they walk, as if the very act hurts them. Yet, when you bend down to pick them up, they cry louder, saying "I can do it!" So often, that is where I take my frustration and exhaustion. I keep trudging up the stairs, while God shakes His head at me, knowing the rest I am ignoring in His arms. In Hebrews we are given a warning, "Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience." (Heb 4:11). Here the author refers to two different types of rest simultaneously - the rest Joshua was trying to lead Israel to and the rest that comes from obedience to the call of Christ. His eternal rest. For those who disobeyed and ignored the Word of the Lord, they could not enter His rest. While His rest is available to all who believe, we must enter His rest. We must go to Him.
Both my insecurity and my pride have prevented me from this time and time again. I spoke last time of my hopeless confessions. These confessions come from the insecurity of seeing myself for who I really am, but thinking that God sees me that way as well. I am living each day in a works based theology, although I say that I believe I have been saved by grace. I see the works that I have done well and feel worthy. When I see areas of struggle, sin or just plain lack of giftedness, I feel ashamed and lacking. Romans 9:20 says "On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" In 1 Corinthians we are told that God has placed us in the body as He desired. (1 Cor 12:18) In my insecurity, I am telling God that He didn't make me right. That I don't like the gifts He has given me and I want different ones (or more gifts) to feel worthy. In my pride, I am telling God that I can bring my works to Him as payment for His pleasure. Both look to the cross of Christ, at His death and say - I don't want Your sacrifce on my behalf. And yet, 2 Corinthians 5:21 states "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on your behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
Think of a basketball player. The world judges them on how many baksets they make. They train and practice and the crowd cheers with every shot they make and groan at all the ones they miss. Christ, in His grace, calls us to something so much greater than that. He calls us to train and practice and grow in our walk with Him (Phil 1:6, Heb 12:1-3, 1 Cor. 9: 24-27). And yet, God views us as if we were wearing the righteousness of Christ. Colossians 1:22 says, "Yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach." I can serve God with all that is in me, because He has given me all of Himself.
What does a humbled life of service look like? Well, it looks like Christ.
What does it look like for me to live a life of humble service? That is what I hope to discover.
Go back to the disappearing ledge, looking out to oblivion. Why do we need to jump? Why can't we simply fall gracefully into the arms of our Savior? Because He tells us to come to Him. Christ says "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30 There is an active pursuit of rest required of us. In my desperation of seeing the chasm between who I am and who I want to be grow moment by moment, there is the need to jump to Him. To pursue Him. In Hebrews 4:16, we are told "Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." We go to Him.
So where do insecurity and pride fit in? Well, my insecurity is based in my desire to be better than I am. To feel a lack of confidence in who God made me to be and WORK in my own STRENGTH to be more. This is simply pride turned inside out. Instead of being proud and resting in my own strength, I am working through my insecurity to find something else I can be proud about. Either way, I am refusing to rest in the One that gives me strength. Either way, I am wrapped up in the s-factor (self) instead of running to my Savior.
When I feel criticized or marginalized (or the single greatest fear of mine - unnecessary) I start to examine myself, to find my flaws and fix them, that I would never be criticized or forgotten again. I try to make myself indispensable. I try to work out my anger or hurt and use it to fuel action. And this is so backwards from God's design.
Have you seen an exhausted three year old try to climb the stairs? They seem to melt on each step, crying as they walk, as if the very act hurts them. Yet, when you bend down to pick them up, they cry louder, saying "I can do it!" So often, that is where I take my frustration and exhaustion. I keep trudging up the stairs, while God shakes His head at me, knowing the rest I am ignoring in His arms. In Hebrews we are given a warning, "Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience." (Heb 4:11). Here the author refers to two different types of rest simultaneously - the rest Joshua was trying to lead Israel to and the rest that comes from obedience to the call of Christ. His eternal rest. For those who disobeyed and ignored the Word of the Lord, they could not enter His rest. While His rest is available to all who believe, we must enter His rest. We must go to Him.
Both my insecurity and my pride have prevented me from this time and time again. I spoke last time of my hopeless confessions. These confessions come from the insecurity of seeing myself for who I really am, but thinking that God sees me that way as well. I am living each day in a works based theology, although I say that I believe I have been saved by grace. I see the works that I have done well and feel worthy. When I see areas of struggle, sin or just plain lack of giftedness, I feel ashamed and lacking. Romans 9:20 says "On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" In 1 Corinthians we are told that God has placed us in the body as He desired. (1 Cor 12:18) In my insecurity, I am telling God that He didn't make me right. That I don't like the gifts He has given me and I want different ones (or more gifts) to feel worthy. In my pride, I am telling God that I can bring my works to Him as payment for His pleasure. Both look to the cross of Christ, at His death and say - I don't want Your sacrifce on my behalf. And yet, 2 Corinthians 5:21 states "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on your behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
Think of a basketball player. The world judges them on how many baksets they make. They train and practice and the crowd cheers with every shot they make and groan at all the ones they miss. Christ, in His grace, calls us to something so much greater than that. He calls us to train and practice and grow in our walk with Him (Phil 1:6, Heb 12:1-3, 1 Cor. 9: 24-27). And yet, God views us as if we were wearing the righteousness of Christ. Colossians 1:22 says, "Yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach." I can serve God with all that is in me, because He has given me all of Himself.
What does a humbled life of service look like? Well, it looks like Christ.
What does it look like for me to live a life of humble service? That is what I hope to discover.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The S Factor
At my recent birthday party, I chose a bowling name for myself "The S Factor". This name was based on me, Susan. What has struck me so completely, is that the S-Factor that seems to plague my very existence, is the other "S" or "self". Yes, my "self" factor has so completely dominated my life that I wasn't able to identify it without the support of one of my best friends Faithdare or my husband. Thanks to them both for setting me on this journey.
We are all made in the image of God, having multifaceted gifts and talents, all from Him, for Him and by Him. (Gen 1:26-27, Eph 4:11-16) He has created us with purpose and designed each of us to be unique, and yet somehow I have become wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do - or who I was supposed to be. I have forgotten the beautiful words in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."
This was all made very clear to me last night, when I realized, I think for the first time ever in my life, that the sin of pride and the sin of insecurity are the same thing. Pride and I have wrestled for a long time together and I have continually felt like it had the upper hand. While I pour myself before the cross, sincerely stating "More of You, Lord, and less of me", my thoughts and actions state the exact opossite. I cry out like Paul "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) I know the very sin that I am waring with has been conquered once and for all with Christ's death on the cross, yet rather than living in victory, I find myself perpetually tending towards a life of shame and hopeless confession.
And with the very typing of the words, the weight that presses upon me feels slightly lifted. I have been able to admit my failing with just a few simple key strokes - I live in shame and hopelessness, even though the crown is stretched out before me.
Without children, I may not have ever realized just how appropriate the father/child analogy is for God. However, blessed with three, I see more of myself in their actions and can only imagine my heavenly Father shaking His head at me asking "Do you get? Do you see?"
Just yesterday, one of my sons sat down infront of the sofa, backside on the floor, arms pressing down on the floor to support himself, with both legs up on the sofa. As he pushed up with his arms, he kicked his feet. It looked like so much work! I had no idea what he was even trying to do, so I asked him. His response, "I'm trying to get on the sofa." My husband, having missed my question, came in and easily sat down next to my son's feet, still kicking. I asked my son, "Isn't the way Daddy got on the sofa easier?" My son smiled at me and said, "Yes". He then turned his attention back to his project, which eventually lead to losing his balance and crashing to the floor in a heap.
I am just as ridiculous. I see the ease with which one can approach the Father and yet I smile and continue to flail about in the most ungraceful and unproductive waste of energy that leaves me exhausted, injured and in a heap. While I watched my son, I did not interfere. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being amused by his futile attempt to get on the sofa in a new and different way. It was simply that I understood he knew how to get on the sofa and when his little experiment was over, he would go ahead and sit down the right way. I really think that is how God has been approaching me. As a believer, I do KNOW how to approach my Father and I know what rest and peace awaits me. And yet, I choose to flail about. I choose to exhaust myself in a truly nonsensical way. For what? Well, like Frank Sinatra, we all want to do it our own way.
This is where simple pride comes in. From the very beginning of time, pride has been the divider between God and the created beings. In Isaiah 13 and 14 we read of the pride of Babylon, looking to ascend into heaven and raise a throne above the Lord. In Genesis 3, the woman looks to make herself wise, rather than obey the Word of the Lord and eats of the tree of knowledge. In this act, along with the man taking the fruit and eating, all of mankind is driven out of community with God. John writes in 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lustof the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not of the Father, but is from the world." And at the very end of it all, Babylon is said to experience tormet and mourning to the same degree she glorified herself. (Rev 18:7) Scripture is filled with the strong response of the Lord to those who are proud. In Mark 7:21-23, Christ equates pride with murder and other evil acts that "proceed from within and defile a man". Verse after verse, passage after passage, the sin of pride is addressed. And yet, the pride of self permeates our being.
In my own proud way, I thought I was making up some ground in this whole pride issue, when I saw a shift in my thinking. Instead of being proud, I now felt more insecure than I ever had in my life. I questioned my place in this life and my worth. I knew that nothing I brought on my own had any value and I wrestled with huge feelings of inadequacy. I didn't want to be needy. I missed my pride. I missed my confidence. I found myself easily angered and hurt - wounded frequently by those around me. Those who I knew to love me. Maybe I wasn't loveable. Maybe they had seen me for who I knew myself to be - nothing. My outer shell was slowly being chipped away and I knew that when the shell finally cracked, nothing would be left but air. Emptiness.
I was a sham, a fraud and while I had known this for awhile, I felt like other people were starting to pick up on it too. It was only a matter of time before they saw just how nothing I was and would leave me. Fearful of abandonment, I wanted to be better - to do more - to fix myself. And yet, the more I wanted to fix myself, the more I saw broken. The more I saw how far I would need to go. The gap was growing wider every moment and worse yet, the ground I was standing on was shrinking. Imagine a ledge that plunges to oblivion and where you stand looking out into the emptiness slowly dwindles. Soon, there will be nothing to do but fall.
Unless you jump.
We are all made in the image of God, having multifaceted gifts and talents, all from Him, for Him and by Him. (Gen 1:26-27, Eph 4:11-16) He has created us with purpose and designed each of us to be unique, and yet somehow I have become wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do - or who I was supposed to be. I have forgotten the beautiful words in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."
This was all made very clear to me last night, when I realized, I think for the first time ever in my life, that the sin of pride and the sin of insecurity are the same thing. Pride and I have wrestled for a long time together and I have continually felt like it had the upper hand. While I pour myself before the cross, sincerely stating "More of You, Lord, and less of me", my thoughts and actions state the exact opossite. I cry out like Paul "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) I know the very sin that I am waring with has been conquered once and for all with Christ's death on the cross, yet rather than living in victory, I find myself perpetually tending towards a life of shame and hopeless confession.
And with the very typing of the words, the weight that presses upon me feels slightly lifted. I have been able to admit my failing with just a few simple key strokes - I live in shame and hopelessness, even though the crown is stretched out before me.
Without children, I may not have ever realized just how appropriate the father/child analogy is for God. However, blessed with three, I see more of myself in their actions and can only imagine my heavenly Father shaking His head at me asking "Do you get? Do you see?"
Just yesterday, one of my sons sat down infront of the sofa, backside on the floor, arms pressing down on the floor to support himself, with both legs up on the sofa. As he pushed up with his arms, he kicked his feet. It looked like so much work! I had no idea what he was even trying to do, so I asked him. His response, "I'm trying to get on the sofa." My husband, having missed my question, came in and easily sat down next to my son's feet, still kicking. I asked my son, "Isn't the way Daddy got on the sofa easier?" My son smiled at me and said, "Yes". He then turned his attention back to his project, which eventually lead to losing his balance and crashing to the floor in a heap.
I am just as ridiculous. I see the ease with which one can approach the Father and yet I smile and continue to flail about in the most ungraceful and unproductive waste of energy that leaves me exhausted, injured and in a heap. While I watched my son, I did not interfere. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being amused by his futile attempt to get on the sofa in a new and different way. It was simply that I understood he knew how to get on the sofa and when his little experiment was over, he would go ahead and sit down the right way. I really think that is how God has been approaching me. As a believer, I do KNOW how to approach my Father and I know what rest and peace awaits me. And yet, I choose to flail about. I choose to exhaust myself in a truly nonsensical way. For what? Well, like Frank Sinatra, we all want to do it our own way.
This is where simple pride comes in. From the very beginning of time, pride has been the divider between God and the created beings. In Isaiah 13 and 14 we read of the pride of Babylon, looking to ascend into heaven and raise a throne above the Lord. In Genesis 3, the woman looks to make herself wise, rather than obey the Word of the Lord and eats of the tree of knowledge. In this act, along with the man taking the fruit and eating, all of mankind is driven out of community with God. John writes in 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lustof the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not of the Father, but is from the world." And at the very end of it all, Babylon is said to experience tormet and mourning to the same degree she glorified herself. (Rev 18:7) Scripture is filled with the strong response of the Lord to those who are proud. In Mark 7:21-23, Christ equates pride with murder and other evil acts that "proceed from within and defile a man". Verse after verse, passage after passage, the sin of pride is addressed. And yet, the pride of self permeates our being.
In my own proud way, I thought I was making up some ground in this whole pride issue, when I saw a shift in my thinking. Instead of being proud, I now felt more insecure than I ever had in my life. I questioned my place in this life and my worth. I knew that nothing I brought on my own had any value and I wrestled with huge feelings of inadequacy. I didn't want to be needy. I missed my pride. I missed my confidence. I found myself easily angered and hurt - wounded frequently by those around me. Those who I knew to love me. Maybe I wasn't loveable. Maybe they had seen me for who I knew myself to be - nothing. My outer shell was slowly being chipped away and I knew that when the shell finally cracked, nothing would be left but air. Emptiness.
I was a sham, a fraud and while I had known this for awhile, I felt like other people were starting to pick up on it too. It was only a matter of time before they saw just how nothing I was and would leave me. Fearful of abandonment, I wanted to be better - to do more - to fix myself. And yet, the more I wanted to fix myself, the more I saw broken. The more I saw how far I would need to go. The gap was growing wider every moment and worse yet, the ground I was standing on was shrinking. Imagine a ledge that plunges to oblivion and where you stand looking out into the emptiness slowly dwindles. Soon, there will be nothing to do but fall.
Unless you jump.
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