I wonder as I wander

I've been trying to follow God's leading in what He has planned for this stage in my life. Where do I go - how do I spend my time - what do I say yes to....as I wander in this phase of life, I wonder how God might use me....

I thought I was doing pretty well until I started working on If Prayer. This amazing ministry called If encourages and supports women in discipleship, community building, church growing, Christ following, authentic life living and I am amazed at how a few pastors wives were called together to use their gifts and talents to start a movement in the American church.

I loved being a part of If and when an opportunity came to lead a night of prayer, I jumped in with both feet. I think I prayed about it - maybe a little. Honestly, I can't remember clearly. 

But here's what I didn't do - I didn't bathe the event in my own prayer. I didn't arm myself to lead women into the spiritual battlefield of praying together. I didn't throw myself down into the arms of the Lord and beg for His strength.

I planned. I prayed occasionally. I sent emails and made phone calls and bought food. I coordinated. I photocopied and I arranged furniture. 

And then - as it started to feel forced - as it started to fall apart, I wanted to back out. I started resenting the "maybe" category on the facebook invite. I started grumbling about how I'd rather be watching American Ninja Warrior. I started telling my husband about how bad the timing was and I really never should have said yes. 

And now, as I write this, I can't tell you how it went. I can describe different elements, but my heart was so out of sorts that I don't even trust my impressions of the evening. We were a small gathering, but so were the majority of the If groups meeting around the nation last night. It wasn't even the numbers that got to me - it was the lack of vision.

God had not given me a vision of what He desired when I said yes and I certainly never went back to Him in the planning process. Sure I prayed about it - but not for His leadership - not for His will - not for His purpose. I prayed about logistics and technology and sleep. I prayed about my schedule and my frustrations. 

I don't know what the Spirit did for anyone else last night - but my spirit was convicted. I felt the absence of God in such a stark, sterile way that my skin felt cold. It was a man-made event because praying always please God, right? You don't need to pray for Gods direction about praying, right? Just handle the logistics with your spiritual gift of administration and move on. I felt like Cain bringing a grain offering, but not really having my heart in it. 

This isn't a problem with If, the women who came or the women who stayed home. This was a problem with me treating the worship of a Holy God as a task. 

Forgive me Father. We sang about how You alone are worthy, but I certainly didn't live that out in the planning of our time together. 

Nichole Nordeman has an amazing song "Tremble". She sings "O let me not forget to tremble. face down on the ground do I dare take the liberty to stare at you? O let me not, o let me not forget to tremble."

The priests never entered the Holy of Holies to rearrange the furniture. How dare I treat worship like a chore. O let me not forget to tremble.....

Two years....

Two years ago my grandmother died. 

There is so much that can be said about this amazing woman that I'm not even going to try to explain how rich her faith was and how she lived her life with great wisdom and courage. 

As I have approached the anniversary of her passing there has been a great urge in me to shout up to heaven - "do you see? Do you see all the ways I've grown in the last two years? Are you proud of me?" This isn't about words unsaid - we didn't have any of those. Nana kept short accounts, said I love you often and we had great confidence all the way to the end that Jesus was carrying her home. It's not about trying to prove that I could live up to her standard. First, I wouldn't try - she lived ready to take on anything, at anytime, with bravery that still leaves me breathless. But she didn't measure people against her standard - instead she encouraged her loved ones to live a life of obedience to Gods unique call for them. 

I want her to see that I've been brave enough to live into that change, to redefine my life, to take my pride and indentity issues head on and to walk into the unknown. Like she did.....

I want her to know that her example has been with me more in these past two years than the previous 10 - and not because she is gone - but because of how she lived each day on this earth.  I want her to know that I watched and listened and absorbed her teaching and it has served me well. 

But then again, I think how selfish that view of Heaven is for me to take. She is standing with God Almighty, in the presence of her Savior and the full heavenly hosts - the last thing I want her thinking about is me. In the span of eternity, the difference between when she passed and when I will see her again is just a blink. These days we live missing her can drag on for us, but for her, then sun has yet to set...it's always the first day she arrived. Two years hasn't passed for her - she is now in the infinite time spectrum that we can't even understand. 

In all I read about heaven, it doesn't really make sense for her to be able to look down on us - she is in a place that is free from sin and guilt and earth and pain - why would she look down to watch us slogging through the day to day when her eyes are fixed on the throne of God?

I think we talk about loved ones looking down on us to bring us some sense of comfort and an idea of their presence. But if heaven is all that I think it is - all the Jesus promised to us - then the separation between us and them has to be more than a few puffy white clouds. This is the glory we are waiting for. This is the destination that we sourjourn to. This is that eternal promise land that is WAY beyond the Jordan.

One day I will stand beside her in the glory of the King and we will sing all her favorite hymns together. I have to settle for missing her now - hearing her words in my head and seeing her face in pictures. Hearing her "Nana whistle" come out of my children's mouths when they are concentrating. I have to settle for knowing that all of my days will be influenced by her, no matter how long I live. That's what it means to love and be loved. 

I am forever blessed by her presence in my life - and while I may think to myself "Nana would've loved that" when I watch the Yankees play or watch the leaves begin to turn - she's got the greatest view of all - cause right now, she's seeing Jesus.

Righteous, not correct

I've been having nightmares all week and I don't really know why. The nightmares are really bad - they make me fully wake up and I can remember them long after I'm awake. The images disturb me as I try to fall back asleep and this morning, sleep ended long before 5am.

But once awake, a different thought bothered me. Yesterday I was reprimanded for something I didn't do. A coworker went to my boss's boss and complained about me for something I didn't do. I was professional on the phone, but I was angry in my heart. This morning, awakened by another nightmare, that anger began to stew. I began to practice what I would say to this coworker later today on the phone.

My mom once told me that I had the gift of a quick tongue - I could use it for good and build people up or I could use it to destroy others. I was only 11 or 12 at the time and no idea how many times her words would come back to me. This morning, in my stewing anger, I put all my effort into constructing the most professional venom I could possibly deliver. I crafted a speech that was 100% truthful, 100% professional and absolutely destructive to this individual. I knew what words to say that would linger in their minds long after our conversation was over. I knew how to make them hurt. I could make them feel guilty. I could make them insecure.

And I wanted to.....

God wouldn't give me peace in this state and as I tried to start my to-do list this morning, I felt like I had to begin with a quiet time no matter how long my list was for the day. I knew that God had a word for me. And He did.

Proverbs 15:33 "The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom and before honor comes humility."

Ouch.

The whole proverb focuses on the folly of the wicked and the damage of harsh, angry words. The proverb talks about how "the Lord loves the one who pursues righteousness" and says "a hot tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute" (vs 9b and vs18).

God's word cuts into my heart even more than the horrible speech I was planning to give. It became exceedingly obvious what the issue was - I cared more about being correct than being righteous. I cared more about having others know that I was right, than being right in God's eyes. I cared more about my glory, than living for His.

I was right but my anger was not a righteous anger. It was vicious and mean. It was filled with my hurt and my own insecurity. (How could they not see how right I was? Why would they paint such a false picture of my work, when I've done so well? Are they trying to make me look bad to my superiors?)

Before my honor, needed to come my humility. It was clear God did not want me taking a stand on being correct, but rather pursue His righteousness - a path of peace. I am so thankful that God's word is living and active. It knows the intentions of my heart and reveals the true nature of my sin. And from this place of confession there is great comfort. I can echo with the Psalmist "Return O Lord and rescue my soul, save me because of Your lovingkindness." (Psalm 6:4)

I don't need to stay angry and hurt and insecure. And I don't need to cover myself in sack cloth and ashes when I see my fallen nature rise up within me. I can rest in the comfort of God's love for me and be thankful for His presence, which guides me to a path of righteousness even my feet are trying to wander from Him. His word is not meant to crush, but to revive our souls and bring healing.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

Shine, Jesus, Shine.

Imagination issues

A Mormon, a Roman Catholic and  a Protestant sit down in a  conference room together.....

No, this isn't the start of a joke - this was the situation I was in this past week writing a grant with a few other engineers. We have all different backgrounds and political views and different faith perspectives, but we quickly found a lunch topic we all agreed on - the premature sexualization of our young daughters.

Funny to imagine a bunch of engineers talking about this, but our brains were fried with evaluation metrics and we were just content to talk about our home lives. We discovered we all had multiple kids between grade school and middle school and our single biggest concerns were our daughters and the skewed body image and sexually charged culture. We had all seen the same My Little Pony episodes and were trying to keep Monster High girls out of the TV rotation and toys being purchased. We had shopped for back to school clothes and looked for non-slutty swimwear this past summer. We knew the boys were starting to realize women were something that they would stare at and we all agreed that we were in trouble.

This topic is really hard for me, as I still currently battle my own issues with body image. How do I raise my daughter correctly in the very area I wrestle with? How many conversations can we have about inner beauty before she sees the fraud that resides inside as I wish I were thinner, cuter, trendier, with perfect Nuterogena commercial skin.

This actually came to a head for me as I came very close to quitting CrossFit this summer. While I love our CrossFit community, I had been less consistent than I wanted to be and wasn't seeing a lot of progress on the scale. I realized that I was about to walk away from one of the most positive atmospheres in my life over my own imagination issues - what I imagine other people see when they look at me....

You see, I have been forced when training for a race to run on treadmills in hotel rooms that directly face into a wall of mirrors - seeing my thighs rub up against each other and my waist jiggle as I painfully jog each step. I've looked in the mirror after putting on my bathing suit and seen the back-fat where the straps come across. I've seen myself in a group picture at CrossFit, seeing my muffin top over the top of my shorts (even though I carefully hide it underneath long large t-shirts).

But something else happened this summer. My husband and I started hiking together. We had these amazing mountain-top experiences that feed the soul and have brought us so close together. I knew that I needed to be in shape to experience life - not to fit into a certain jean size. No matter what lie I have said out-loud, deep down I have known that every training regimen of my adult life has actually been about the weight on a scale and the size of the dress. When I failed to see the progress I desired in the first two weeks, motivation became nearly impossible and I begin searching for an excuse to give up. When the event was a race with others - I would keep going until the race was over. And if it was exercise with other people - I would go to please them. But internally, I was discouraged to see my lack of progress in the area that meant something to me - how I thought people saw me.

So back to my original question - how do I raise a daughter in the world of media pressures that I have not yet escaped?

Thanks to some clarity in the thin air on these mountain tops - I found that I enjoyed doing stuff even more than I cared about the potential judging of my appearance. I just had a great day playing in the pool with the kids in my swimsuit. I'm thrilled to be training for a race with my dad. I've got another 5k with friends coming up. And CrossFit remains to be a super-encouraging place. Doing things is more enjoyable that worrying about how other people think I look while I do things.

I can't pretend to be immune to the superficial, sexual nature of our media and culture. But hopefully my daughter will see an example of having fun and living life to the fullest instead of my own insecurities.

I know I usually have some sort of spiritual insight to apply - well the one here is so simple I'm embarrassed to bring it up. If my identity was truly in Christ I wouldn't be caught up in all my image drama. That too is a work in progress - but I'm thankful for the blessing I have to move and run and swim and laugh with family and friends. And the focus on thanksgiving is helping me see life a little more through His eyes than the eyes of the media.

Eternal consequence

This morning I discovered that someone had hacked my account and bought an iPad using my sprint information. We paid for the iPad and associated monthly fees. I was SO angry. I was mad that this was how my day started. I was mad that someone stole my money. I was mad someone had accessed our account online. I was scared they could do worse and cost me even more.

Otherwise, I had a great morning. The kids were cooperative and happy to go to school and it seemed to be a great day. This had me thinking about our stuff. All this person got was money. The iPad will be turned off and they may even be caught. In the end, this will be a hassle for me that will only cost me the time on hold with Sprint this morning. It may cost them much more. Or they may get away with it. But who is this person stealing from me? What hole are they trying to fill with stuff or money? What is their morning like right now? 

Proverbs 1:18-19 addresses the wicked saying "But they lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of it possessors." They look to make themselves rich but are digging their own grave. Paul tells us in 2 Cor 8:9 "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich."

I have the eternal riches in Christ Jesus that can never be taken from me. But am I building up those riches and investing my time for that kingdom or am I more focused on things of this world - things that can be taken from me, stolen, or destroyed. 

For the thief dying on the cross, he saw the righteousness of Christ and in his last breaths he was saved to eternal riches - far beyond what he had ever stolen. Such is grace. This person who steals - they are poor and needy. Not because they steal for gain, but because they cannot gain what they truly need without Christ.  

Casting Crowns writes in their song "All you ever wanted" - "You gave me life worth dying for, but between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more. Here I go again."

It is so easy to be distracted by the shiny and new or by the growing bank account or the newest gadget or coolest car. As a believer I have the one thing nothing in this world can ever take away but my eyes drift towards stuff and things. 

Pauł writes to the Romans "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (8:38-39)

So often we quote these worlds in times of extreme distress or potential death. I have it underlined in my bible with prayers for family and friends facing incredible trials, like depression or cancer. But today they come to mind for a different category - "nor any other created thing". 

We overwhelmingly conquer all things in Him - even the mass media and temptation of our eyes to look to find joy or contentment or security in what we claim we own. Created things do not have a hold on us unless we let them. The world focuses on owning - our pride is puffed up by what we can claim to be ours. Even this thief who came into my life might be feeling some strength or superiority by being able to take some thing from me - they are powerful because they can take from others. But Jesus "who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond servant and being made in the likeness of man." (Philippians 2:6-7)

I am praying for that person in Henderson Nevada who stole my account information for an iPad. I am praying someone shares with them the gospel and they learn what true richness means. And I'm praying that I keep watch of my own heart, to focus on the riches in Christ, rather than pursue the created things of this world. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" 

Changing us one small prayer at a time....

Yesterday my husband had a bad day at work. Not uncommon for many people, but it is really unusual for him to describe his day as "bad" because he loves his job and sees it as his gifting and ministry. I received a two brief texts during his 12+ hour shift that communicated how busy he was. He didn't get time for lunch and got home after midnight. His last text to me, before he went to bed, told me that he needed to sleep in because he was wasted. It was "a really bad day". 

I spent a great part of yesterday praying for him, knowing he was having a rough time at work. His job is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding, surrounded by difficult people in hard situations and facing death on a regular basis. I cannot fathom what "a really bad day" would be. But I knew I needed to be praying. I couldn't be there for him and there was nothing I could bring on his behalf. I had no awareness of what he actually needed or the specific circumstances that were hard. But I knew God was with him. I prayed to the One who intimately new exactly what he needed and had the power to provide strength and grace at the deepest levels. I prayed to the One who could supernaturally intercede on his behalf and who loves him even more than I do.

Prayer changes things - it changed me. Spending this time in prayer took my eyes off myself and my limitations. It took my eyes off the temporary hardships of this world. The more I prayed, the more I thought about the One I was talking to. Praying for David, but talking to God, reframed my powerlessness and lack of awareness of the situation. I didn't pray about what I didn't know - I prayed what I knew and believed whole heartedly - that God not only knew what David needed, but could and would and wanted to provide for him. Sometimes we approach prayer thinking God is holding out on us and we need to beg him for it - that's how I prayed most of the time David was deployed in Iraq....like God could have brought him home sooner but I just didn't pray hard enough. But prayer changes us. 

 2  COR 5: 14- 17 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

The new which has come lives for Christ and is being continually changed from the old flesh to newness in Christ. God loves and cares for my husband, whether I pray for him or not. But when I pray for him, or pray about anything else for that matter, I live into the newness of Spirit-breathed life and step further away from the old self. My old self can only be worried or angry that David is having a difficult day. In Christ, I am trusting God to take care of him and I can have peace. My old self would add my difficult time with the kids to David's bad day and justify a surly mood and be short tempered with those around me. Through the love of Christ, I can see how patient and gracious God is with me and extend that grace to them. 

I'm not saying that prayer doesn't bring about tangible change - Jesus tells us that it does. But deepening our faith, being made more like Him, has far more eternal consequence than the momentary affliction. When we entrust what we love most to the Lord, we can love even more deeply because we leave behind the anxiety and fearfulness from our lack of control and instead love fully in light of His perfect power and sovereignty.

I have a long way to go in learning to trust, but I am so thankful to see the the fruit of faith, one little prayer at a time.

If I were missing hope....

I just finished "Till We Have Faces" by CS Lewis and was absolutely blown away. First, this is an amazing piece of literature with a writing style so crisp and clean you can't help but turn every page. (Needless to say, we had take out last night because reading and cooking could not happen at the same time - and I know my priorities!) But more breathtaking and disturbing than the book itself was the review comments online. There were hundreds of reviews, many by non-Christians who were delighted by this work. CS Lewis once said in an interview that this was his favorite piece of fiction that he had ever written and many of the reviewers agreed. They appreciated it's depth and character, the classic literary style and the new twist on an ancient story. They saw characters come to life and felt the pain and joy and love. So why was this so depressing to me? Because this book is a mirror of our hearts without Christ - it is sad and pitiful and empty. It spends a life hurting and at the end, there is no redemption and one has to try to find significance in superficial things.

The heroine of this story, Orual, is followed throughout her life, with several important relationships featured. There is her father, who hates her. Her sister who makes her life miserable. Her nursemaid who makes everyone's life miserable. And then there is her sister who is the other focal point of the story - Orual loves her sister deeply. A love so violent that Orual is prepared to kill her sister in thoughts of protection - and as Orual's life continues, she realizes her love for her sister was so deeply passionate because of her jealousy - Orual admits that she would have rather seen her sister dead than happy without her. Along for the journey is an slave who serves as a grandfather. She is so close to this man and when she has the power to do so, gives him freedom. Yet he doesn't move away but rather chooses to live in continued servitude because he knows Orual is not really capable of living a mentally and emotionally balanced life without him. Finally, there is her guard, Bardia, whom she loves as a woman loves as man, yet he is married and she lives her whole life without ever telling him how she feels. She loves him and can't have him, so she causes him to spend most of his life at her side, rarely giving him opportunity to be with his wife and kids. Upon his death Bardia's wife confronts Orual on her destructive love, which kept Bardia away from his family and worked him to death. This is the first moment that Orual begins to see how destructive her love is to others.

If you haven't read the book - read the book. But I have this warning to you first. This book is a perfect mirror to how we naturally love. We love with dark passion - jealousy, lust, rage. Our love, left to its own devices, is painful to others, because in our own state, we love ourselves more than all else. We love everyone else based on what they can do for us. Yes, we are able to push those feelings away in every day life situations, but when our own happiness or security are threatened, the true nature of our love comes out and it is willing to hurt and kill and destroy. Self preservation triumphs over all.

I can read this book and be amazed by the stunning portrait of life and think, 'thanks be to God who loved me in this state - who died on a cross while I was still His enemy - who loved me the way only He can, filling the deepest desire of everyone's soul - to be loved as we are, even with all our faults and failings.' 

We are all Orual - we know we are flawed and that we would never be loved when seen for who we really are. We all veil our faces hiding our sorrow - making masks and walls to keep our emotions in and everyone else out. We all think we are loving others in our lives, but are crushed by the notion that someone we love might choose someone else above us. This horrible pride and self centered heart lives in each of us before Christ - and makes this story everyone's story. It's sad. There is no answer to the meaning of the pain. There is no resolution to a life of sorrow. In an amazing scene before the gods of the story, Orual asks her questions and realizes there are no answers. There is no hope. Without Christ, reading this story would make me want to drown in the river of my own sorrow (something Orual is prevented from doing even though she wants to). 

Why do all of these non-believers love this book? Because the knowledge of God is within each of us and I think this story awakens their hope inside. The one negative review I saw was a non-believer who couldn't connect with Orual. In her review she says that because Lewis writes the whole thing from Orual's perspective, not being able to connect to Orual means she can't connect to the story at all. Funny because I would guess that she is more like Orual than she knows and has not yet seen the destructive nature of her own flawed love. But to everyone else - I think they saw themselves and were able to hope for more. They were able to imagine being known, being loved, being chosen. They were able to picture a life where you truly belonged and didn't have to measure up anymore. While they would never call it by this name, they were able to imagine the gospel. The Good News. 

This book is call to evangelism if I ever saw one - CS Lewis is shouting - you have the longing of everyone's heart - and giving it away doesn't leave you with less, it just fills them up more. We can give away the love of Christ and never be empty: that stream of living water never runs dry. 

This book has become one of my favorite all time reads - but it remains second to another book - the call to love others and share this hope is clear in both. May God give me the courage to speak the answer to the question few are brave enough to ask. Yes, you are loved.