I wonder as I wander

I've been trying to follow God's leading in what He has planned for this stage in my life. Where do I go - how do I spend my time - what do I say yes to....as I wander in this phase of life, I wonder how God might use me....

I thought I was doing pretty well until I started working on If Prayer. This amazing ministry called If encourages and supports women in discipleship, community building, church growing, Christ following, authentic life living and I am amazed at how a few pastors wives were called together to use their gifts and talents to start a movement in the American church.

I loved being a part of If and when an opportunity came to lead a night of prayer, I jumped in with both feet. I think I prayed about it - maybe a little. Honestly, I can't remember clearly. 

But here's what I didn't do - I didn't bathe the event in my own prayer. I didn't arm myself to lead women into the spiritual battlefield of praying together. I didn't throw myself down into the arms of the Lord and beg for His strength.

I planned. I prayed occasionally. I sent emails and made phone calls and bought food. I coordinated. I photocopied and I arranged furniture. 

And then - as it started to feel forced - as it started to fall apart, I wanted to back out. I started resenting the "maybe" category on the facebook invite. I started grumbling about how I'd rather be watching American Ninja Warrior. I started telling my husband about how bad the timing was and I really never should have said yes. 

And now, as I write this, I can't tell you how it went. I can describe different elements, but my heart was so out of sorts that I don't even trust my impressions of the evening. We were a small gathering, but so were the majority of the If groups meeting around the nation last night. It wasn't even the numbers that got to me - it was the lack of vision.

God had not given me a vision of what He desired when I said yes and I certainly never went back to Him in the planning process. Sure I prayed about it - but not for His leadership - not for His will - not for His purpose. I prayed about logistics and technology and sleep. I prayed about my schedule and my frustrations. 

I don't know what the Spirit did for anyone else last night - but my spirit was convicted. I felt the absence of God in such a stark, sterile way that my skin felt cold. It was a man-made event because praying always please God, right? You don't need to pray for Gods direction about praying, right? Just handle the logistics with your spiritual gift of administration and move on. I felt like Cain bringing a grain offering, but not really having my heart in it. 

This isn't a problem with If, the women who came or the women who stayed home. This was a problem with me treating the worship of a Holy God as a task. 

Forgive me Father. We sang about how You alone are worthy, but I certainly didn't live that out in the planning of our time together. 

Nichole Nordeman has an amazing song "Tremble". She sings "O let me not forget to tremble. face down on the ground do I dare take the liberty to stare at you? O let me not, o let me not forget to tremble."

The priests never entered the Holy of Holies to rearrange the furniture. How dare I treat worship like a chore. O let me not forget to tremble.....

Two years....

Two years ago my grandmother died. 

There is so much that can be said about this amazing woman that I'm not even going to try to explain how rich her faith was and how she lived her life with great wisdom and courage. 

As I have approached the anniversary of her passing there has been a great urge in me to shout up to heaven - "do you see? Do you see all the ways I've grown in the last two years? Are you proud of me?" This isn't about words unsaid - we didn't have any of those. Nana kept short accounts, said I love you often and we had great confidence all the way to the end that Jesus was carrying her home. It's not about trying to prove that I could live up to her standard. First, I wouldn't try - she lived ready to take on anything, at anytime, with bravery that still leaves me breathless. But she didn't measure people against her standard - instead she encouraged her loved ones to live a life of obedience to Gods unique call for them. 

I want her to see that I've been brave enough to live into that change, to redefine my life, to take my pride and indentity issues head on and to walk into the unknown. Like she did.....

I want her to know that her example has been with me more in these past two years than the previous 10 - and not because she is gone - but because of how she lived each day on this earth.  I want her to know that I watched and listened and absorbed her teaching and it has served me well. 

But then again, I think how selfish that view of Heaven is for me to take. She is standing with God Almighty, in the presence of her Savior and the full heavenly hosts - the last thing I want her thinking about is me. In the span of eternity, the difference between when she passed and when I will see her again is just a blink. These days we live missing her can drag on for us, but for her, then sun has yet to set...it's always the first day she arrived. Two years hasn't passed for her - she is now in the infinite time spectrum that we can't even understand. 

In all I read about heaven, it doesn't really make sense for her to be able to look down on us - she is in a place that is free from sin and guilt and earth and pain - why would she look down to watch us slogging through the day to day when her eyes are fixed on the throne of God?

I think we talk about loved ones looking down on us to bring us some sense of comfort and an idea of their presence. But if heaven is all that I think it is - all the Jesus promised to us - then the separation between us and them has to be more than a few puffy white clouds. This is the glory we are waiting for. This is the destination that we sourjourn to. This is that eternal promise land that is WAY beyond the Jordan.

One day I will stand beside her in the glory of the King and we will sing all her favorite hymns together. I have to settle for missing her now - hearing her words in my head and seeing her face in pictures. Hearing her "Nana whistle" come out of my children's mouths when they are concentrating. I have to settle for knowing that all of my days will be influenced by her, no matter how long I live. That's what it means to love and be loved. 

I am forever blessed by her presence in my life - and while I may think to myself "Nana would've loved that" when I watch the Yankees play or watch the leaves begin to turn - she's got the greatest view of all - cause right now, she's seeing Jesus.

Righteous, not correct

I've been having nightmares all week and I don't really know why. The nightmares are really bad - they make me fully wake up and I can remember them long after I'm awake. The images disturb me as I try to fall back asleep and this morning, sleep ended long before 5am.

But once awake, a different thought bothered me. Yesterday I was reprimanded for something I didn't do. A coworker went to my boss's boss and complained about me for something I didn't do. I was professional on the phone, but I was angry in my heart. This morning, awakened by another nightmare, that anger began to stew. I began to practice what I would say to this coworker later today on the phone.

My mom once told me that I had the gift of a quick tongue - I could use it for good and build people up or I could use it to destroy others. I was only 11 or 12 at the time and no idea how many times her words would come back to me. This morning, in my stewing anger, I put all my effort into constructing the most professional venom I could possibly deliver. I crafted a speech that was 100% truthful, 100% professional and absolutely destructive to this individual. I knew what words to say that would linger in their minds long after our conversation was over. I knew how to make them hurt. I could make them feel guilty. I could make them insecure.

And I wanted to.....

God wouldn't give me peace in this state and as I tried to start my to-do list this morning, I felt like I had to begin with a quiet time no matter how long my list was for the day. I knew that God had a word for me. And He did.

Proverbs 15:33 "The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom and before honor comes humility."

Ouch.

The whole proverb focuses on the folly of the wicked and the damage of harsh, angry words. The proverb talks about how "the Lord loves the one who pursues righteousness" and says "a hot tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute" (vs 9b and vs18).

God's word cuts into my heart even more than the horrible speech I was planning to give. It became exceedingly obvious what the issue was - I cared more about being correct than being righteous. I cared more about having others know that I was right, than being right in God's eyes. I cared more about my glory, than living for His.

I was right but my anger was not a righteous anger. It was vicious and mean. It was filled with my hurt and my own insecurity. (How could they not see how right I was? Why would they paint such a false picture of my work, when I've done so well? Are they trying to make me look bad to my superiors?)

Before my honor, needed to come my humility. It was clear God did not want me taking a stand on being correct, but rather pursue His righteousness - a path of peace. I am so thankful that God's word is living and active. It knows the intentions of my heart and reveals the true nature of my sin. And from this place of confession there is great comfort. I can echo with the Psalmist "Return O Lord and rescue my soul, save me because of Your lovingkindness." (Psalm 6:4)

I don't need to stay angry and hurt and insecure. And I don't need to cover myself in sack cloth and ashes when I see my fallen nature rise up within me. I can rest in the comfort of God's love for me and be thankful for His presence, which guides me to a path of righteousness even my feet are trying to wander from Him. His word is not meant to crush, but to revive our souls and bring healing.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

Shine, Jesus, Shine.

Imagination issues

A Mormon, a Roman Catholic and  a Protestant sit down in a  conference room together.....

No, this isn't the start of a joke - this was the situation I was in this past week writing a grant with a few other engineers. We have all different backgrounds and political views and different faith perspectives, but we quickly found a lunch topic we all agreed on - the premature sexualization of our young daughters.

Funny to imagine a bunch of engineers talking about this, but our brains were fried with evaluation metrics and we were just content to talk about our home lives. We discovered we all had multiple kids between grade school and middle school and our single biggest concerns were our daughters and the skewed body image and sexually charged culture. We had all seen the same My Little Pony episodes and were trying to keep Monster High girls out of the TV rotation and toys being purchased. We had shopped for back to school clothes and looked for non-slutty swimwear this past summer. We knew the boys were starting to realize women were something that they would stare at and we all agreed that we were in trouble.

This topic is really hard for me, as I still currently battle my own issues with body image. How do I raise my daughter correctly in the very area I wrestle with? How many conversations can we have about inner beauty before she sees the fraud that resides inside as I wish I were thinner, cuter, trendier, with perfect Nuterogena commercial skin.

This actually came to a head for me as I came very close to quitting CrossFit this summer. While I love our CrossFit community, I had been less consistent than I wanted to be and wasn't seeing a lot of progress on the scale. I realized that I was about to walk away from one of the most positive atmospheres in my life over my own imagination issues - what I imagine other people see when they look at me....

You see, I have been forced when training for a race to run on treadmills in hotel rooms that directly face into a wall of mirrors - seeing my thighs rub up against each other and my waist jiggle as I painfully jog each step. I've looked in the mirror after putting on my bathing suit and seen the back-fat where the straps come across. I've seen myself in a group picture at CrossFit, seeing my muffin top over the top of my shorts (even though I carefully hide it underneath long large t-shirts).

But something else happened this summer. My husband and I started hiking together. We had these amazing mountain-top experiences that feed the soul and have brought us so close together. I knew that I needed to be in shape to experience life - not to fit into a certain jean size. No matter what lie I have said out-loud, deep down I have known that every training regimen of my adult life has actually been about the weight on a scale and the size of the dress. When I failed to see the progress I desired in the first two weeks, motivation became nearly impossible and I begin searching for an excuse to give up. When the event was a race with others - I would keep going until the race was over. And if it was exercise with other people - I would go to please them. But internally, I was discouraged to see my lack of progress in the area that meant something to me - how I thought people saw me.

So back to my original question - how do I raise a daughter in the world of media pressures that I have not yet escaped?

Thanks to some clarity in the thin air on these mountain tops - I found that I enjoyed doing stuff even more than I cared about the potential judging of my appearance. I just had a great day playing in the pool with the kids in my swimsuit. I'm thrilled to be training for a race with my dad. I've got another 5k with friends coming up. And CrossFit remains to be a super-encouraging place. Doing things is more enjoyable that worrying about how other people think I look while I do things.

I can't pretend to be immune to the superficial, sexual nature of our media and culture. But hopefully my daughter will see an example of having fun and living life to the fullest instead of my own insecurities.

I know I usually have some sort of spiritual insight to apply - well the one here is so simple I'm embarrassed to bring it up. If my identity was truly in Christ I wouldn't be caught up in all my image drama. That too is a work in progress - but I'm thankful for the blessing I have to move and run and swim and laugh with family and friends. And the focus on thanksgiving is helping me see life a little more through His eyes than the eyes of the media.

Eternal consequence

This morning I discovered that someone had hacked my account and bought an iPad using my sprint information. We paid for the iPad and associated monthly fees. I was SO angry. I was mad that this was how my day started. I was mad that someone stole my money. I was mad someone had accessed our account online. I was scared they could do worse and cost me even more.

Otherwise, I had a great morning. The kids were cooperative and happy to go to school and it seemed to be a great day. This had me thinking about our stuff. All this person got was money. The iPad will be turned off and they may even be caught. In the end, this will be a hassle for me that will only cost me the time on hold with Sprint this morning. It may cost them much more. Or they may get away with it. But who is this person stealing from me? What hole are they trying to fill with stuff or money? What is their morning like right now? 

Proverbs 1:18-19 addresses the wicked saying "But they lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of it possessors." They look to make themselves rich but are digging their own grave. Paul tells us in 2 Cor 8:9 "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich."

I have the eternal riches in Christ Jesus that can never be taken from me. But am I building up those riches and investing my time for that kingdom or am I more focused on things of this world - things that can be taken from me, stolen, or destroyed. 

For the thief dying on the cross, he saw the righteousness of Christ and in his last breaths he was saved to eternal riches - far beyond what he had ever stolen. Such is grace. This person who steals - they are poor and needy. Not because they steal for gain, but because they cannot gain what they truly need without Christ.  

Casting Crowns writes in their song "All you ever wanted" - "You gave me life worth dying for, but between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more. Here I go again."

It is so easy to be distracted by the shiny and new or by the growing bank account or the newest gadget or coolest car. As a believer I have the one thing nothing in this world can ever take away but my eyes drift towards stuff and things. 

Pauł writes to the Romans "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (8:38-39)

So often we quote these worlds in times of extreme distress or potential death. I have it underlined in my bible with prayers for family and friends facing incredible trials, like depression or cancer. But today they come to mind for a different category - "nor any other created thing". 

We overwhelmingly conquer all things in Him - even the mass media and temptation of our eyes to look to find joy or contentment or security in what we claim we own. Created things do not have a hold on us unless we let them. The world focuses on owning - our pride is puffed up by what we can claim to be ours. Even this thief who came into my life might be feeling some strength or superiority by being able to take some thing from me - they are powerful because they can take from others. But Jesus "who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond servant and being made in the likeness of man." (Philippians 2:6-7)

I am praying for that person in Henderson Nevada who stole my account information for an iPad. I am praying someone shares with them the gospel and they learn what true richness means. And I'm praying that I keep watch of my own heart, to focus on the riches in Christ, rather than pursue the created things of this world. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" 

Changing us one small prayer at a time....

Yesterday my husband had a bad day at work. Not uncommon for many people, but it is really unusual for him to describe his day as "bad" because he loves his job and sees it as his gifting and ministry. I received a two brief texts during his 12+ hour shift that communicated how busy he was. He didn't get time for lunch and got home after midnight. His last text to me, before he went to bed, told me that he needed to sleep in because he was wasted. It was "a really bad day". 

I spent a great part of yesterday praying for him, knowing he was having a rough time at work. His job is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding, surrounded by difficult people in hard situations and facing death on a regular basis. I cannot fathom what "a really bad day" would be. But I knew I needed to be praying. I couldn't be there for him and there was nothing I could bring on his behalf. I had no awareness of what he actually needed or the specific circumstances that were hard. But I knew God was with him. I prayed to the One who intimately new exactly what he needed and had the power to provide strength and grace at the deepest levels. I prayed to the One who could supernaturally intercede on his behalf and who loves him even more than I do.

Prayer changes things - it changed me. Spending this time in prayer took my eyes off myself and my limitations. It took my eyes off the temporary hardships of this world. The more I prayed, the more I thought about the One I was talking to. Praying for David, but talking to God, reframed my powerlessness and lack of awareness of the situation. I didn't pray about what I didn't know - I prayed what I knew and believed whole heartedly - that God not only knew what David needed, but could and would and wanted to provide for him. Sometimes we approach prayer thinking God is holding out on us and we need to beg him for it - that's how I prayed most of the time David was deployed in Iraq....like God could have brought him home sooner but I just didn't pray hard enough. But prayer changes us. 

 2  COR 5: 14- 17 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

The new which has come lives for Christ and is being continually changed from the old flesh to newness in Christ. God loves and cares for my husband, whether I pray for him or not. But when I pray for him, or pray about anything else for that matter, I live into the newness of Spirit-breathed life and step further away from the old self. My old self can only be worried or angry that David is having a difficult day. In Christ, I am trusting God to take care of him and I can have peace. My old self would add my difficult time with the kids to David's bad day and justify a surly mood and be short tempered with those around me. Through the love of Christ, I can see how patient and gracious God is with me and extend that grace to them. 

I'm not saying that prayer doesn't bring about tangible change - Jesus tells us that it does. But deepening our faith, being made more like Him, has far more eternal consequence than the momentary affliction. When we entrust what we love most to the Lord, we can love even more deeply because we leave behind the anxiety and fearfulness from our lack of control and instead love fully in light of His perfect power and sovereignty.

I have a long way to go in learning to trust, but I am so thankful to see the the fruit of faith, one little prayer at a time.

If I were missing hope....

I just finished "Till We Have Faces" by CS Lewis and was absolutely blown away. First, this is an amazing piece of literature with a writing style so crisp and clean you can't help but turn every page. (Needless to say, we had take out last night because reading and cooking could not happen at the same time - and I know my priorities!) But more breathtaking and disturbing than the book itself was the review comments online. There were hundreds of reviews, many by non-Christians who were delighted by this work. CS Lewis once said in an interview that this was his favorite piece of fiction that he had ever written and many of the reviewers agreed. They appreciated it's depth and character, the classic literary style and the new twist on an ancient story. They saw characters come to life and felt the pain and joy and love. So why was this so depressing to me? Because this book is a mirror of our hearts without Christ - it is sad and pitiful and empty. It spends a life hurting and at the end, there is no redemption and one has to try to find significance in superficial things.

The heroine of this story, Orual, is followed throughout her life, with several important relationships featured. There is her father, who hates her. Her sister who makes her life miserable. Her nursemaid who makes everyone's life miserable. And then there is her sister who is the other focal point of the story - Orual loves her sister deeply. A love so violent that Orual is prepared to kill her sister in thoughts of protection - and as Orual's life continues, she realizes her love for her sister was so deeply passionate because of her jealousy - Orual admits that she would have rather seen her sister dead than happy without her. Along for the journey is an slave who serves as a grandfather. She is so close to this man and when she has the power to do so, gives him freedom. Yet he doesn't move away but rather chooses to live in continued servitude because he knows Orual is not really capable of living a mentally and emotionally balanced life without him. Finally, there is her guard, Bardia, whom she loves as a woman loves as man, yet he is married and she lives her whole life without ever telling him how she feels. She loves him and can't have him, so she causes him to spend most of his life at her side, rarely giving him opportunity to be with his wife and kids. Upon his death Bardia's wife confronts Orual on her destructive love, which kept Bardia away from his family and worked him to death. This is the first moment that Orual begins to see how destructive her love is to others.

If you haven't read the book - read the book. But I have this warning to you first. This book is a perfect mirror to how we naturally love. We love with dark passion - jealousy, lust, rage. Our love, left to its own devices, is painful to others, because in our own state, we love ourselves more than all else. We love everyone else based on what they can do for us. Yes, we are able to push those feelings away in every day life situations, but when our own happiness or security are threatened, the true nature of our love comes out and it is willing to hurt and kill and destroy. Self preservation triumphs over all.

I can read this book and be amazed by the stunning portrait of life and think, 'thanks be to God who loved me in this state - who died on a cross while I was still His enemy - who loved me the way only He can, filling the deepest desire of everyone's soul - to be loved as we are, even with all our faults and failings.' 

We are all Orual - we know we are flawed and that we would never be loved when seen for who we really are. We all veil our faces hiding our sorrow - making masks and walls to keep our emotions in and everyone else out. We all think we are loving others in our lives, but are crushed by the notion that someone we love might choose someone else above us. This horrible pride and self centered heart lives in each of us before Christ - and makes this story everyone's story. It's sad. There is no answer to the meaning of the pain. There is no resolution to a life of sorrow. In an amazing scene before the gods of the story, Orual asks her questions and realizes there are no answers. There is no hope. Without Christ, reading this story would make me want to drown in the river of my own sorrow (something Orual is prevented from doing even though she wants to). 

Why do all of these non-believers love this book? Because the knowledge of God is within each of us and I think this story awakens their hope inside. The one negative review I saw was a non-believer who couldn't connect with Orual. In her review she says that because Lewis writes the whole thing from Orual's perspective, not being able to connect to Orual means she can't connect to the story at all. Funny because I would guess that she is more like Orual than she knows and has not yet seen the destructive nature of her own flawed love. But to everyone else - I think they saw themselves and were able to hope for more. They were able to imagine being known, being loved, being chosen. They were able to picture a life where you truly belonged and didn't have to measure up anymore. While they would never call it by this name, they were able to imagine the gospel. The Good News. 

This book is call to evangelism if I ever saw one - CS Lewis is shouting - you have the longing of everyone's heart - and giving it away doesn't leave you with less, it just fills them up more. We can give away the love of Christ and never be empty: that stream of living water never runs dry. 

This book has become one of my favorite all time reads - but it remains second to another book - the call to love others and share this hope is clear in both. May God give me the courage to speak the answer to the question few are brave enough to ask. Yes, you are loved. 

Where do we go?

I haven't blogged in awhile and the truth is, I haven't had it together enough to do so. You see, I've looked at this blog as a place where my searching yields some fruit of understanding, depth, encouragement, growth or some other proof that I am no longer who I once was. The title of the blog "I Need A Savior" actually proves the length of my pride. See, I know that we are supposed to have the right balance of self-deprecation and humor. I know we are supposed to carry that balanced load of guilt and shame and freedom. We thank God for His grace and cry "Lord have mercy" all in the same breath.

No, this blog was the place I could spout off my wisdom with a "life lesson" and the right number of biblical citations to show a) I'm legit and b) I'm right - the Bible says so.....

This blog really was a stage - see my transparency and authenticity world? See how God is working in me? Maybe if you read this you will be encouraged that He can work in you too. And maybe, just maybe, someone might feel that work through ...wait for it...my words!!! Wow!!! Could it be?

Now, I do believe that an atheist reading the Word of God could bring people to Christ - it has little to do with us in the end. The heavens tell the glory of God and the rocks would cry out if we were silent. Surely the God of all the universe does not need my (or anyone's) eloquence to win people to Him. The problem really isn't the words themselves and I'm not saying everything I wrote was rubbish. I do believe the Word of God and I do believe I am a work in progress. And there are things I have shared here that very much are the real experience of my spiritual journey. The problem was not the words. The problem was my heart. Just like the atheist can't strip away the power of the gospel with his unbelief, my pride does not make God's word less true.

It's just a little empty here if I feel I need to have it all together first. Like cleaning your house before the cleaning lady comes, there's a part of me that needs to have the solution before I allow to admit I have the problem. This blog is less about God actively working and more of a history of what He has already done. Once I came to have a clearer picture of it....once I could figure it out in my own head and heart. And that's not what I need right now.

I'm in a new place and I can't keep coming back to the old. I'm hearing things I haven't heard before and I need to stop translating them into a framework that used to make sense to me. It's uncomfortable and a little sticky and that's just how it needs to be right now.

In the movie "The Avengers" Loki gives a little speech on how humans are meant to be ruled and that freedom is really the problem with humanity. Captain America comes in a kicks some tail showing just how wrong that is, because we love to hear about our right to freedom and individuality. It works well with our pride. Our identity revolves around our passions and desires.

But Loki is right on target - we were made to be ruled by God and to live in His will. We were made to be subjected to Him, trusting Him to know best and to provide the best. We were meant to cling to Him and find our identity in being His. So as He does a new thing in me and I try to stuff it back into my old framework of thinking, things get off course. I'm in a new place and that means truly leaving the old behind.

At the end of the day, this new things He is bringing about in me isn't about me at all. It's for Him, by Him, through Him and to Him. I'm not really sure how that plays out in the midst of dirty dishes and piles of laundry. It didn't feel that new arguing with my husband yesterday and watching my son angrily stomp off away from me after dinner. And while I am totally convinced that God called me to give up alcohol, all I really want right now is a large glass of red wine. His new thing is having to be pretty patient as I figure this out.

If you read this blog, you can expect more questions...more grit...and probably a few more tears. But it just isn't worth it to try to write about where God was anymore - especially when I really want to know where He is taking me.

Hide and seek

Psalm 119:114 "You are my hiding place and my shield - I wait for Your word."

This great little nugget was hidden in my quiet time today and I immediately thought, "yes Lord - oh how I need you to be a hiding place and shield for me." And then I sat with it a little longer and some images started popping into my mind.

Like in Lord of the Rings - Two Towers - where they are standing behind their tall shields looking out into the darkness and rain hearing the awful chants of the opposing army. Like when Rahab hides the spies in her roof, silently waiting under stalks of flax while the king's men question her. Like when David is hiding in the inner recesses of a cave knowing Saul is chasing him all over the land trying to kill him.

Hiding and needing a shield gives us a perspective of our normal life condition. We live a life in danger - in the presence of an enemy we are incapable of fighting on our own. This isn't a greeting card picture -  sweet sounding solace in the Lord. This is a reminder that we are needing to get behind His shield. We need to hide behind, put ourselves under, in the care of, under the protection of, in the dependence of, in hope in, with trust in....not ourselves, but Him.

This is a picture of submission...humility...faith. 

And here in this place - we wait.

We aren't immediately filled. We aren't suddenly comforted. We don't have resolution to the problem. No - we wait. We wait on Him and His word. We wait on truth. We wait on the perspective of the One who has gone before and comes behind and surrounds us with Himself.

To truly put ourselves under His care is also to trust in His timing. To believe that while the battle rages around us that we are safe with Him and in the right time He will bring clarity. 

Back to the Two Towers battle scene - the battle is loud - the sky is dark - the soldiers are muddied - it's hard to see with the rain and the darkness surrounding and all you hear is the chant of those opposing you. A shield doesn't make you immune to the battle. And it isn't all comfy cozy. 

God was with David in the darkness but it still gave David all that experience to compose Psalms of desperation and cries for help. David followed Gods command through the caves and the darkness all the way to a throne. Jesus followed God's will to a cross and to hell - all to bring us peace. All so that we could trust Him when He says, "Do not be afraid." 

It isn't wrong to need to hide or even cry out from our hiding place, oh Lord, how long? But the first step is ours - to place ourselves under His care. And be ready to wait for His word. O Lord, grant us the faith to our ourselves fully in Your care and the patience to hear Your voice in Your perfect timing. 

Praying and other terrifying activities

About a month ago I felt called to a specific prayer - Lord show me how to live in dependence on You in the every day. This was really just step 1 in a goal of being able to to listen to His voice more clearly and live each day walking in His will. By my estimation, I couldn't walk in His will without being able to discern His will and I couldn't discern His will when I lived a life that was looking to my own strength and plans and provision. Therefore - step 1 was living in daily dependence on Him.

And then it all fell apart.

I haven't blogged in nearly a month because my mind (and heart) have been such a mess, words haven't really been put together in cohesive thoughts. Now I'm not saying that this will be some beautiful example of prose, well thought out and carefully articulated. However, several devestating times of prayer and mental break down have led to terrible clarity. 

First, it was a little ridiculous for me to be shocked that life would fall apart when I stopped holding it together. I couldn't have it both ways - if I'm not trying to keep it all working, then there are going to be things that were my priorities which haven't aligned with God. Now that I was willing to listen to His ordering of my life, it's not the same order I had. At first, I translated this as a difficulty watching things remain undone or left behind. But after some adjustment I started to see some beauty and freedom in the new ordering God planned. This wasn't as straight forward as I'm making it sound - but dying to my self importance was something I had expected to confront. After all, it was my pride and desire for control which had led me to this place of not being able to hear the Lord. My own voice was too loud and it was going to be a period of eerie silence to get to a posture of listening.

Now we move into dangerous territory. Now we start to dig deeper. Like Eustace having the scales torn from his dragon body in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader, this work has to hurt. It may sound simplistic, but being a dragon actually isn't a problem. If you were made to be a dragon, then you absolutely should roar and breath fire and fly through the sky. It's what you were made to do. The problem is when you were supposed to be a boy and you end up a dragon instead. The dragon has to be torn to shreds to find the boy inside. This is the type of experience I've been living through lately. Ripping off layers and layers of the outer form to have God reveal my true self. The self He created me to be.

I was created to be dependent on Him. This prayer was good and ultimately for my good. But I wasn't walking around as an empty vessel just waiting for God to fill me up. I was dependent on other things which had to be emptied first, before I could learn to be dependent. See, I prayed a prayer I didn't actually want answered. Sure, it sounded like the Christian thing to do. I had the logic all outlined above. I might even go as far to say that the Spirit was prompting me to that prayer. But I wasn't ready for the cost. I wasn't ready to be empty. I wasn't ready to redefine my treasure. Jesus so clearly explains the nature of our hearts in Matthew 6 - our heart was made for God, but we can only hold one thing as a treasure. And whenever we treasure something other than God, we fill our hearts and turn our gaze to focus on our love, our precious.

Tim Keller reminds us in his book Counterfit Gods that we were made to worship. We as created beings are made to worship, but we choose to worship other created things above God. Lysa Tyrkhurst explains in her book Made to Crave, that we were indeed made to desire after something intensely - but we were made to crave God - not lesser things. C.S. Lewis tells us that eternity is written on our hearts and that we were made to long after something to make us whole - to long for the peace that seems to elude us in this life. 

God gave us all of these internal emotional, intellectual and spiritual prompts to point us to Him. He wants to long for Him and desire Him and worship Him. He made us to have an empty place to be filled and He alone wants to fill it. And yet - we find other things, people, relationships, expectations, distractions and lesser things. I knew that God wanted to replace these lesser things in my life with Himself, but that meant letting go.

And letting go hurts.

I'm hurting. I miss my distractions. I miss my idols. They were comfortable. They were my companions. And while they could never fill, they were safe. But now I'm empty. I'm not filled. It isn't better. It just hurts. 

I have hope in His promises - that I am a work in progress and He will faithfully bring it to completion. But right now - it's just empty. 

Identity 101

Ok- they say confession is good for the soul, so here is some soul healing honesty.

As much as I have delighted in my new life, when confronted with an opportunity to step back into the life-draining madness, I was tempted. With an odd turn of events, my position at my old job is now vacant again at an inopportune time and needed someone to step in on a part time basis ASAP. People began to pass my name around as a temporary solution and it felt great to be needed. It felt great to be pursued. But the decision maker in this whole situation had been silent. My old boss (whom I felt I always had a good relationship) was being extremely tight-lipped about the whole thing and I have spent the last 8 days wondering "will he call me?". This had the emotional weight of a ton of bricks and I have spent the past week sleepless, anxious and quick to anger with my kids and husband. My whole mind was preoccupied with "what-if" scenarios on what could happen and how I would react.

As happy as I was and as miserable as I had been in my old job, the possibility that I would be called on to come save the day captivated my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to function normally.

Why? Why did I feel this way?

Truth is said to set us free, but truth about ourselves brings freedom at the cost of our pride. I cannot experience the freedom of my identity in Christ without also experience the pain of stepping away from myself. In the epic Psalm 119, the author writes " This has become mine, that I observe Your precepts. The Lord is my portion; I have promised to keep Your words. I sought Your favor with all my heart" (vs 56-58a).

"This has become mine" - for all the Lord of the Rings lovers out there, you should be hearing the voice of Gollum in your head - or Frodo - or Biblo. Any keeper of the ring starts speaking of it as "my own, my precious." What is so easily identified as an idol in a movie or book, is so hard to identify in ourselves. The ring was shiny and gold and indeed had great value. It was precious. It was captivating. It became all consuming to anyone who had possession of it.

But the Psalmest speaks the same way of the Word of the Lord and of his God. "This has become mine", "The Lord is my portion", in verse 72 "Your law is more precious to me than a thousand pieces of gold and silver" and in verse 127 "Therefore I love Your commandments, above gold, yes above fine gold."

What was so precious about that job - it was mine. My own. I claimed ownership of it and I would have let it destroy me into a shadow of my true self had it not been for God's merciful grace and truth spoken to me from those I love.

Identity in Christ is both the easiest and hardest task all at the same time. There is great freedom in not earning your standing and great humility in accepting that gift. I am called to claim my inheritance and must accept the truth of my empty hands. I am the child of the King, but not chosen for my gifts or talents - solely chosen by His desire and His love.

Hallelujah - it's not on me.
But wait a minute....it's not about me.....

There will be no phone call asking me to save the day. God has removed the temptation and given me the blessing of continuing in this new walk of life without interruption of the stress and workload of my previous job. It is not mine anymore.....

But I am His. And He is using this time for His purposes through lavish grace upon me. Life will not always be so charmed, but I am always His. I wish I could say that the Psalmist and I share those words. I want to - but I am still dying to myself - dying to the shiny things of this life - dying to all the precious distractions that draw my wandering eye from Him.

The Lord is my portion.
What joy awaits us when we can embrace that truth.....

Its not nothing....

God has put me in a pretty weird place right now. In a near miraculous form, I was removed from an insane workload that had me stressed out and disconnected and physically aching beneath the strain to a downright relaxing combination of part time jobs that added together are still less than half of my prior arrangement. I've lost nearly all of my former structured communities, but continue to dive deeper into relationship with my closely loved friends. I find myself serving individuals rather than causes or projects and have time to engage my kids in silly conversation beyond the functional and logistical aspects of their lives. Like I said - it's weird.

I have been in leadership roles for over 15 years and now have no one to lead, organize or administer. No one reports to me and I rarely report to anyone else. For a professional - that is a strange place to be. I functioned as a professional in my home, at my church and in my community, but that's all gone too. Now I'm the mom making cookies with her kids and grabbing coffee with friends, while working 4 -5 hours each day, not really breaking a sweat or stressing out. I dream about exercise, not the next crisis at work. I wake up wondering what I will do each day - not wondering how it will all get done.
See what I mean? Totally bizarre.

I have viewed this as a gift since it began a few months ago, but now I have noticed my tendency to shrug off this time as being a big blank sheet, without a lot being written. Without the sense of urgency or crisis, my attitude towards each day has started to become a little cavalier as well. Where before I was delighting in my freedom, it's started to feel a little empty.

Now I will be the first to say that this is absolutely where God wants me to be and how He wants me to be living (not perfectly, but confident in the direction) and there is amazing peace in that. Peace that I have prayed for through the last several years. But it doesn't feel significant. When talking to a friend I referenced the unrest I felt having God not ask anything from me in this season.  She replied (in great wisdom) "Do you ever think the season is 'nothing'? Maybe nothing in the sense that we don't have to "do" or "produce" or "contribute". But I think He's always calling us to connect - with Him AND with others."

What I love about this woman (and her comment) is the reflection of God's supremacy and wisdom, paired with compassion. Psalm 119 is FILLED with this. The Psalmist speaks of his own riches, wisdom, company with princes and kings, and worldly blessings - yet it comes back again and again to God's word as true wisdom, true riches, true blessing. The Lord can give great treasure in this world, but nothing exceeds the glory of His presence. I may not have anything asked of me right now in my traditional, productive definition, but I am invited to know Him more and to love Him deeper and to share that with those around me.

It isn't flashy. It isn't glamorous. This new life of mine comes complete with yoga pants and make-up free days. But the season is also filled with time - His time - that He is giving to me to rest, fellowship, pray and meditate in His word. And that's not nothing.

But I'm a mess too....

I don't usually blog to vent, but tonight I'm just worn. My daughter continues to cry over the most random things, while my greatly troubled son cried all through Good Friday service with tears of joy because he finally understands God's love. So, after holding him while he cries for a good 15 minutes after church, my other son, who has spent the whole day being cheerful and helpful and loving turns into a big crab apple complete with door slams, eye rolling and literally sticking his fingers in his ears while I talk to him.

After another 45 minute talk, prayer and hug session, that son is tucked into bed and I am pooped! I was already exhausted by my own emotional drama with spending all day thinking of my grandmother who loved Easter and whose birthday would be approaching, had she not died a year and a half ago. There I was trying to pour out love and patience which I had already spent on my owns issues. But the Lord, as always, had gone before me - even in my drama.

At the service this evening we spent time in private confession and then wrote a sin down on paper and nailed it to the cross. My sin that the Lord put before me this evening - limits. The way I put limits on myself, my faith and on Him. I carefully mark off the lines I don't want Him to cross and have firmly established lines for those places in my own life where I refuse to step over the line into the uncomfortable and unknown. Limits. Yep - that's the word He gave me.

And what does He do immediately afterward - once again shows me how quick I get to the end of myself. How quickly my limits are pushed and how little I bring to the table. Yes, my kids are all entering those years of hormones and emotions and the fun of discovering what it means to be a more mature person - and I knew it would come. But I guess I thought I wouldn't be a mess anymore. I thought that surely by the time my kids were old enough to start creating their baggage, I would have ditched mine.

No such luck....

Enter once again the cross...

They had their own sins to nail by their own hand and I had mine. We are all on the same road to being more like Christ, just in different places. They have their limits and I have mine. But His love is limitless. His power is boundless. His forgiveness is endless. His mercy is never ceasing. His grace is all sufficient. All sufficient. For their tantrums and for mine.

I am still a mess and the best thing I can do as a parent is point them to the same cross that I so heavily cling to. "How can I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom."

And all His people said Amen.

I've been feeling for some time like it had been too long since I had last posted something to this blog and was starting to feel guilty about being so neglectful. Often times, my really deep quiet times lead my mind to ponder what the Lord is doing and I write a blog post with my musings. But as I have read His word, I haven't had some new revelation or great experience of gaining insight or wisdom. Instead, there has been a cry of my heart praising His faithfulness and provision and all I can say to the Word is, Amen.

In this time of just living day to day, without concern of the future, free from the anxiety and stress which plagued my thoughts for so long, I find myself reading His word with great comfort and contentment. Yes, He is the same, yesterday, today and forever.

I don't know the future, but my God holds it in His hand.
I don't have it all together, but my God is in control.
I can't fix all the areas of brokenness and pain around me, but my God will bring beauty from ashes.
I am not walking His path for me perfectly, but my God is faithful and will not let go of my hand.

After years of walking in the desert, I can say that I am truly experiencing His peace and joy in a way I wasn't sure still existed. When David brought the ark back into Jerusalem, he offered a prayer of thanksgiving which says "Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; He also is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the people are idols, but the Lord made the heavens." (1 Chronicles 16:25-26) It ends, "Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Then all the people said "Amen." and praise the Lord." (vs 36) This refrain is echoed in Psalm 106:48, when the Psalmist recounts the faithfulness of God towards Israel, despite their sin and wandering hearts.

There is a type of worship that comes from thanksgiving that is unlike any other. While there is a time to offer sacrificial praise and God is close to the brokenhearted, there is a joy in worship found when you can approach Him unfettered by the worries of this world. And it doesn't mean that there aren't worries in this world - but rather the worries of this world pale in comparison to the faithfulness of our Lord, that we can worship unencumbered by the trials of life. It is in this place that the only word left to say is Amen.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego have a moment like this right before they are throne into the fire for failing to bow down to the golden image King Nebuchadnezzar makes. They say to the king, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18) They speak to God's faithfulness, power, salvation, supremacy and sovereignty as an act of worship while facing their death. And they see the rest of the world as being full of idols made by the hands of men, paling to the power of their God.

It struck me anew as I review the gospel accounts of passion week that the chief priests tell Pilot, "we have no king but Caesar" (John 19:15). In front of the King of kings and Lord of lords, the chief priests and teachers of the law hold up a foreign ruler as their king. Much like the days of Samuel, when God tells him "Listen to the voice of the people in regard to all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me from being king over them. Like all the deeds which they have done since the day that I brought them up from Egypt, even to this day - in that they have forsaken Me and served other gods - so they are doing to you also. (1 Sam 8:7-8)

Our idolatry may be golden images, people we have placed higher than the Lord, our own status, power, control or many other ways of choosing to reject God. It was the same in the garden when Adam and Eve chose their will over the Lord. We so quickly follow our own will and desires - and yet, when we truly meditate on the blessings He has given us, the faithfulness He has shown towards us and the vastness of His love, we can identify our idols and worship the true King instead. As we make Him greater, we (and everything else in our lives) becomes less.

My prayers are not about change, supplication for my list of needs or even musings of what I think He is doing. It is simply receiving His word as the ultimate truth - His gift to us and the testimony of who He is and what He has done. In light of this, I simply say, Amen.

His Legacy

Our lives are building a legacy of God's faithfulness.....

In the ongoing saga entitled "It's not about you, Susan", I continue to be amazed by simple truths I have passed over time and time again. In the If:Equip devotional, we are reading through Hebrews, one of my all time favorite books of the bible. I have prayered through it, memorized parts of it, taught it in women's studies and Sunday schools and poured over books and sermons that focus on those sweet truths. And yet, in the fuzziness of my brain (currently suffering from bronchitis and sinusitis) it hit me afresh - our story is about Gods faithfulness to us, not our faith in God. Hebrews 11 paints a beautiful picture of faith that summarizes the great deeds and wonders of the Old Testament. Like Proverbs 31, it can feel weighty - like if I was a better Christian my faith could be added amongst the greats listed here. I could be a person who is remembered by leaving a legacy of faith. Have you seen the problem yet? It is somehow still about me.

David didn't ask to be King. Moses didn't ask for a stage. Abraham didn't even ask for a son. Now, I don't know if Abram never prayed for a son. It wouldn't have been wrong if he did. But when God shows up in Genesis 12, He gives Abram a promise for greatness that comes through a path of obedience. And in Hebrews 12 we are told to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith. We are called to "consider Him .... So that you will not grow weary and lose heart." In the edifying commands later in the chapter we are told to "see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God.". 

The challenge is clear - our challenge is to be singularly focused on the Lord, His example, His grace. We are told that He is the author of our faith. We don't drum it up in ourselves. Once again, I get caught up in resume mode and ask myself "would I have stepped in the fiery furnace" or "would I have crossed the Jordan". That's the wrong question. I'm still looking to compare and contrast my ability with those the Lord has used in different ways for His kingdom when my question should be, "where are You leading me". 

I don't need to be worried about my resume or legacy of faith. I don't need the faith to call fire from heaven. I need to pray with integrity to hear His voice and follow His call on my life. And I won't do it perfectly - which is why I need to pray for His strength and the ability to keep my eyes fixed on Him. 

This totally aligns with something Tim Keller discusses in his book Prayer. Keller talks about how we need to pray so that we can rightly see ourselves - not through our lense, but through Gods eyes. Prayer allows us to hear God say what is true about us, rather than letting us form that view based on what we see and feel and understand. Our limited view will always be based on how we feel (not great), our comparison with others (which is limited and always skewed against us) and our circumstances (just a grain of sand in the grand design God has). When, through prayer, I hear the truth God wants to speak over me, then I have the ability to boldly walk His chosen path - free from comparison, free from doubt and free from fear. I can rely on His strength and His timing. It becomes a legacy of how He is faithful, rather than the story of a flawed woman trying to clamor for approval. 

 His holy word is truth and encouragement and profitable for teaching us about Him. But the story of God's grand design is still being written. We are already a part of it. His kingdom is coming and we are the stones that are building the eternal temple. We don't need to audition for a part. We don't have to brush up our resume. He isn't checking our Sunday school transcripts. We have lovingly and purposefully been chosen by Our Lord and Savior - Creator and King - to be in His kingdom, His church, His people, His story. 

Amazing love! Amazing grace! 

Preparing the Way

It is so interesting that this journey is taking place during Lent - our time for rediscovering what it is that Christ has done for us - while we prepare our hearts,  we are really focused on the Lord preparing a way for us. He says in the gospel of John "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so you can be where I am." (John 14:3) Now seated next to the Father, we look to what He has done for us in preparing our lives and so we offer them back to Him.

We read time and time again how the Lord has gone before us and we, by faith, follow His leading. The Lord prepares good works for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). The Lord directs our steps (Prov 16:9). The Lord supplies all of our needs (Phil 4:19). Only, too often our eyes are caught up in what we see before us and human wisdom and the limits of our own understanding. It is hard to hear the voice of the Lord and truly discern His will.

I used to think that discerning the will of God was some test that I was pretty much guaranteed to fail and that grace was the Lord bridging the gap between my ineptitude and His desires for my life. This version of life puts God in a secretive, tricky position, as if He was withholding from me.In truth, He is our Father and delights to give us good gifts. I just couldn't reconcile the truth about God's character and the difficulty I had knowing His call on my life. Today, in near miraculous form, I got a glimpse of just how the Lord gently guides us into the position He has for His will and calls us to the road we should walk.

For close to a year David and I knew major changes for our lives were in order. The focus began with my job, and then we started to evaluate our home. And then we revisited what we wanted from our marriage. Personally, we each felt the Lord calling us to know Him in deeper and more vulnerable ways. We heard Him asking to live in dependence of Him and trusting Him for what we could not provide. But we had yet to discover what that would look like.

Simultaneously, we continued to walk the challenging road of having a son struggle emotionally in ways that left us feeling undone, unprepared and inadequate in every way. In this helpless state, we continued to pursue assistance and counsel and support. Today, one of those links brought forth a plan for addressing some of our son's needs - and yet it was so much more. She spoke, cautiously at first, of a new life order - a shift of our spiritual energy that puts this faith to work. She spoke of a home that lived out the grace and peace of God in tangible, visual and worship filled ways. She called us to a life that truly centered around the Lord in every way. She was nervous that this sounded too radical and wouldn't meet our expectations for the help we wanted for our son.

Our silence was not displeasure, but of true awe at hearing the Lord speak so plainly to us through her counsel. David and I sat side by side listening to her present an action plan for the longing of our hearts. Our months of searching for the road that God was calling us to was now illuminated before us and we were being invited to step forward on the path. Conversations that we had spoken in hushed tones months earlier now had substance and voice - a direction and a plan.

We weren't ready six months ago, or even six weeks ago. But God, our Creator, the One who authored time - He orchestrated each step and each prompting of our hearts. He let our longing go unsatisfied for a season, so that He could fill us in His time. He removed the chains, one link at a time, freeing us from our burdens so that we could follow in His ways. He wasn't playing hide-and-seek or sending us on a scavenger hunt. He wasn't taunting us with the possible, but then setting it just outside our reach. He was preparing the way. As He always has.

I wonder if I had known today would be that day - would I have still be so open in our discussion, or would I have thought I already had the answers? Would I have planned out my steps in my strength, instead of aching for His? The many ways I try to run ahead of God - would they have broken free and run past the joy of discovering just how gracious He wants to be with us?

The Lord prepares a way for us - by His death, He brings us new life and that life is not one of guilt and frustration. Had He told me what He was doing, I would have wanted to take back a piece and have something in my control. I would want to put my spin on it. I would want to take pride in the works of my hands. But instead - He kept it a surprise. Instead - it was simply a gift. It was grace.

O Lord, you do all things well. My greatest folly is putting the limits of my understanding on the lavish nature of Your love. I join Job in saying "“I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.3 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”4 ‘Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.’ (Job 42:2-4)

Where is your front line?

My son is under considerable spiritual attack right now that manifests itself in some truly scary ways. Ways that are way beyond my scope as a mom. Ways that make me wish his medication was a magic pill that made it all go away. Ways that make me wonder how to keep my other children safe. 

Not shockingly, as the intensity in this grows, I've argued with my husband, freaked out about the simplest tasks and haven't been able to keep a thought in my head for more than about 30 seconds at a time. And then it hit me - I was under attack too. No it didn't look the same as my son, but I was facing a spiritual attack that could be even more devestating than my son's. My son's battle was coming head on and he was bravely facing it as best he could. But mine, mine was a diversion tactic to keep my eyes off the front lines. 

You see, as long as I was paying attention to my argument with David or my mounting pile of grading papers or the laundry room that was overflowing or my piercing headache, I was distracted. But something happened today that brought me back to center. As I read the word and prayed for my son, I realized I needed allies in this battle. I knew I needed my fellow soldiers standing with me, marching to the front line on my son's behalf. I called on my dear sisters in Christ and some family members and after just a few quick texts, I had close to a dozen people praying the same verses for my son. With laser focus I turned my eyes to the Lord and got down on my knees and I could feel His power moving. Not in me - not for me - but for my son. I knew, with complete confidence, that the heavenly hosts were defending my son's heart and mind and that while he was away from me physically, spiritually I knew he was safe.

We are told in Ephesians 6 - 

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 

And then in 1 Peter 5 we are told -

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

And in Ephesians 3 we hear -

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

God will work through us for His glory. He helps us to closes the mouths of lions, put out the flaming arrows and wages war on the powers of darkness on our behalf. We come with faith. We come with prayer. We come with the power of the Holy Spirit. And we come as a unified body in Christ - one faith, one Lord. We are not alone and He will work in ways we cannot even conceive. But that truth is attacked and twisted and distorted in this world. 

Satan deceives. Satan divides. Satan distracts. The war is won, but the battle rages on until Christ's return and Satan looks to move our eyes from the Lord onto lesser things. 

I don't know all God has for my son, or for me, or for our family. But anything that builds the kingdom puts us in the line of fire for spiritual attack. And the greatest way to slow me down is to have me fighting the windmills of life and ignoring to front line, because if I truly stopped and looked at the front line, I wouldn't even see the battle. I would be too busy staring at my Savior, charging before us on a white steed with a double edged sword. I'd be captivated by my King. And there is nothing more devastating to satans schemes than to be totally captured in the light of our Lord.

I'm back in the battle. On my knees. Surrounded by fellow soldiers. And here, in this place, there is peace. 

Comprehending the incomprehensible

As I'm writing this post on my cell phone, I can assure you it won't be very long. But this morning I have confronted yet another truth about myself as I see Him more and more clearly. 

Ready? Here it is - I don't know what to do with a love as big as God's love for me. His real love for me is so much bigger than I can understand and that is unnerving to me. I choose to make it smaller, because I get small. I put the restrictions on God's love that my own love experiences because that is easier for my mind to understand - and this is pride. 

David Crowded says in his song, "How He Loves" - "All of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affection is for me". Angie Smith describes Isaiah's encounter with God in similar terms - she writes "He (Isaiah) had gone into the temple to find respite from his sorrow and instead he came face to face with reality much more traumatic than any earthly burden." 

The glorious problem is that even God's love makes me feel small. My burdens, my needs, my imperfect worship - they all are small compared to Him. But, when I release this ant-like arrogance before a holy God, I see a new type of freedom. A love deeper than I can understand is capable of forgiving what I deem unforgivable. It's capable of being patient with my chronic issues with pride and doubt. It's able to love me in the ways I need His love, instead of only the small ways I can understand His love - and that means I can find true healing, true rest, and be truly known. 

We are all called to be undone by Him but He is not undone by me - by my sin, or pain, or weakness. I don't "get it" in my head but I want to experience it with all that is in me! 

Saved for rest

Hebrews 3:14-15 says "For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end, while it is said, 'Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as when they provoked me.'"

Angie Smith brings out a beautiful thought in today's If:Equip devotional about this passage that took my breath away. She points out that maybe our hearts become hard as we fail to enter His rest - not the final eternal rest, but the rest He offers in His presence throughout our lives.

Hebrews 4 addresses 2 distinctive types of rest that belong to the people of God. First we see in 4:3 "we who have believed enter the rest, just as He has said." This rest is the rest of justification that immediately is ours, because we are now eternally sealed in Him when we believe.

Second, Heb 4:4 refers to the Sabbath rest God took when He had created all things. This rest is the rest of having the work be completed. This same rest is referred to for us in verse 10, as it says "For the one who has entered His rest has himself rested from his works, as God did from His."

But then the author reiterates in verse 11, "therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest."

We will not truly know a resting of our works until we are with God in heaven, eternally resting in the glorification of being made new. But, as soon as we are saved, we enter a type of rest that only comes from His presence indwelling our spirits. Our beginning assurance - our saving faith - is the one which says I cannot save myself. I alone am not worthy. I cannot justify my existence through my own actions. My works are not good enough, heart isn't pure enough and life is not holy enough to be made right with God. Christ and Christ alone can save me. That is the good news. That we don't have to do it on our own. The good news is that it isn't up to us. The gospel says that God made the way for us to be made right with Him, even though it cost Him His son.

Our saving rest is not meant to be a one time prayer from which we move on in life to a new type of  self-justification, wrapped up in christian lingo, church activities and making it look like we have it all together. Our saving rest is supposed to be the position of our hearts from now until we are able to enter the eternal glorified rest in heaven with Him.

This doesn't mean we don't do things. In fact, the Israelites were disobedient to the Lords commands causing them to not enter the promise land. Their disbelief hardened their hearts against God and they failed to enter the rest of having a land with milk and honey, but chose to live as nomads in the wilderness. But even in the wilderness, God's presence remained with them. They had a visual sign of His presence but followed their fear instead of rest in their faith.

It is faith and faith alone that saves us - it is faith and faith alone that frees us from our works and allows us to rest in Jesus instead - and it is faith and faith alone that gives us the courage to obey Him, even when it seems like their are giants before us.

Rest is an act of faith, but it is also a gift. To truly enter is rest is a shalom beyond one we could ever experience on our own. Each season in life requires a different balance of resting from work and acts of obedience - but the certainty of God's presence, the gift of His love and the promise of His provision make available to us now a peaceful rest that passes all worldly understanding.

He knows us better than we know ourselves - and He will provide us with just the type of rest we need, if we come to Him with open hearts. Lord, let us rest in You.

Small courage....big impact

Can you see it happening? Revival - it's coming. Not the old church gatherings of hundreds of people singing The Old Rugged Cross. Not tents erected across the midwest with more food than the Golden Corral. This revival is in the hearts of His people, as they boldly turn or return to Him. I see it happening as I read and hear stories of the Lord compelling His people to be brave with small acts of courage in honesty. Honesty about our need. Honesty about our desires. Honesty about our sin. 

Now, I have heard some disapprove of the terms "authentic" and transparent" as term that leads to people trying to "one-up" each other with our sinful lives. They are afraid that we can tend to glorify the sin and not the Savior. Our own sin becomes a place for pride. I get that - I really do. But I am seeing a pure self-forgetfulness of experiencing God's grace. Tim Keller says in his book, The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness, “...the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” This is evident in thousands (millions?) of lives across the world who are bravely speaking truth about themselves and where God is taking them. They confess their areas of sin and doubt and disbelief to the global church for one purpose only - to spurn others on in the faith. It is the outworking of the Holy Spirit in their lives embracing Ephesians 3:24 by putting "on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and the holiness of truth."

These men and women are willing to put on the new self in the holiness of truth in the company of other believers, for their sake of encouragement. While it is easier to hide the ugly parts under metaphorical (or real) layers of Spanx and baggy sweaters and heavy make-up, that isn't who God created us to be. These brave acts of truth are seen all over scripture, but a few interactions with Jesus pop to mind.

In Mark 2, we see Jesus heal the paralytic who was being lowered through the roof. But first Jesus forgives his sins. Jesus saw a man desperate to be near Him - to experience His healing presence. What were the owners of the house saying? What were the other people thinking about these men willing to tear up someone's roof for the sake of being near Jesus? We don't know - but we do know what the Pharisees thought - Mark 2 says the Pharisees were "reasoning in their hearts" that Jesus was blaspheming. Jesus reads their hearts and confronts them on their judgement. The result - people left glorifying God - amazed by what they had seen.

In Mark 7 (24-30) Jesus heals a child He has never seen or touched because of a Gentile woman who professes such faith and humility, He is moved on her behalf. 

In Mark 9 (14-29) Jesus heals a demon possessed boy, graciously responding to the father's desperate cry of "I do believe, help my unbelief." Not only did the father knew that he had no ability to save his son, he knew he didn't even have enough faith to warrant Jesus' grace. But in that humility, the holiness of Truth prevails. Jesus' love is greater than our doubt.

David confesses his inability to rightly sacrifice for his sin before the Lord in Psalm 51 stating "You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."

This passage comforts one of the greatest manipulations in our hearts - fear. Fear of what others will think of us. Fear that God will ask us to give more than we want to. Fear that we have a hurt that cannot be healed, a sin that cannot be forgiven, a darkness that cannot be brought to light. Fear that we aren't truly saved. Satan manipulates our fear and failure and flaws so that they become all we see. In this dark place, we fail to see the hand of Jesus outstretched, hearing Him say, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt 5:3) 

The kingdom of God is crossing this earth, one changed heart at a time. One freed soul at a time. One bold truth at a time. Hallelujah and amen!

This won't be pretty...

After more than three years of feeling trapped and one dimensional from my job, I was given an amazing gift of time. The Lord directed me to quit my life and begin again, with new levels of freedom, previously unimagined. My plan never would have been this gracious, this generous, this extravagant. I would have asked for so much less.

But from the very moment it all came together, I knew that the Lord was wanting me to do something with this time. I knew He wanted more for me. But what was it? I asked for a word - a sign - a mission. Something to be passionate about that had nothing to do with me. I prayed for His leading and He faithfully gave me His word. He told me to pursue others - to dig deep into them, the way I have desired for people to pursue me. More than "hi" and a smile. More than Facebook stalking. Real pursuit of relationship. He said to me - go give it to others and don't worry about yourself. Let Me meet your needs.

Well, here is where it gets ugly. First, when I start opening myself up to others, I find so many places that I have let myself forget real need; real hurt; and real pain. I am the one who has been surface-y and shallow. But wait..there's more...

In my new found free time, I found that work had left bigger holes than expected. Holes that are meant to be filled by Him. Angie Smith writes in her book, "Chasing God", "Religion is what we build with our own hands when we can't stand to feel like observers. And when in crumbles we blame God." Stepping away from work and my old life showed me how much was built with my own hands. The crumbling process left me feel like I myself was falling apart.

I was experiencing the emptiness of hollow religion in those small gaps in my life outside of work - substituting actions for true substance. It was easier to schedule more tasks than to rest. It was easier to teach than to listen. It was easier to serve than to grow. I was blaming God for not feeling His presence in the midst of all I was doing. But the real issue was my heart, hardened against His Spirit which wanted me to stop working and start listening.

This transition into a new life will not be pretty. Old scars will be uncovered. Strongholds will be confronted. Idols will be smashed and I will have to abandon my throne. Not just for the sake a saying the key words, underlying the seminal Psalms and raising my hands at the right times in worship. No...this has to be deeper. Because that is what this gift was for. It wasn't to provide new places for me to go out, but for Him to pour in to the emptiness of my soul. The amazing part is - He saw my need and met it. He sees my hurt and wants to heal it. I have been running, but all of this time, He has been pursuing me. And now, finally, I can begin the conversation with Him in the stillness and quiet of His presence.

Amazing love, how can it be?