Changing us one small prayer at a time....

Yesterday my husband had a bad day at work. Not uncommon for many people, but it is really unusual for him to describe his day as "bad" because he loves his job and sees it as his gifting and ministry. I received a two brief texts during his 12+ hour shift that communicated how busy he was. He didn't get time for lunch and got home after midnight. His last text to me, before he went to bed, told me that he needed to sleep in because he was wasted. It was "a really bad day". 

I spent a great part of yesterday praying for him, knowing he was having a rough time at work. His job is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding, surrounded by difficult people in hard situations and facing death on a regular basis. I cannot fathom what "a really bad day" would be. But I knew I needed to be praying. I couldn't be there for him and there was nothing I could bring on his behalf. I had no awareness of what he actually needed or the specific circumstances that were hard. But I knew God was with him. I prayed to the One who intimately new exactly what he needed and had the power to provide strength and grace at the deepest levels. I prayed to the One who could supernaturally intercede on his behalf and who loves him even more than I do.

Prayer changes things - it changed me. Spending this time in prayer took my eyes off myself and my limitations. It took my eyes off the temporary hardships of this world. The more I prayed, the more I thought about the One I was talking to. Praying for David, but talking to God, reframed my powerlessness and lack of awareness of the situation. I didn't pray about what I didn't know - I prayed what I knew and believed whole heartedly - that God not only knew what David needed, but could and would and wanted to provide for him. Sometimes we approach prayer thinking God is holding out on us and we need to beg him for it - that's how I prayed most of the time David was deployed in Iraq....like God could have brought him home sooner but I just didn't pray hard enough. But prayer changes us. 

 2  COR 5: 14- 17 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

The new which has come lives for Christ and is being continually changed from the old flesh to newness in Christ. God loves and cares for my husband, whether I pray for him or not. But when I pray for him, or pray about anything else for that matter, I live into the newness of Spirit-breathed life and step further away from the old self. My old self can only be worried or angry that David is having a difficult day. In Christ, I am trusting God to take care of him and I can have peace. My old self would add my difficult time with the kids to David's bad day and justify a surly mood and be short tempered with those around me. Through the love of Christ, I can see how patient and gracious God is with me and extend that grace to them. 

I'm not saying that prayer doesn't bring about tangible change - Jesus tells us that it does. But deepening our faith, being made more like Him, has far more eternal consequence than the momentary affliction. When we entrust what we love most to the Lord, we can love even more deeply because we leave behind the anxiety and fearfulness from our lack of control and instead love fully in light of His perfect power and sovereignty.

I have a long way to go in learning to trust, but I am so thankful to see the the fruit of faith, one little prayer at a time.

If I were missing hope....

I just finished "Till We Have Faces" by CS Lewis and was absolutely blown away. First, this is an amazing piece of literature with a writing style so crisp and clean you can't help but turn every page. (Needless to say, we had take out last night because reading and cooking could not happen at the same time - and I know my priorities!) But more breathtaking and disturbing than the book itself was the review comments online. There were hundreds of reviews, many by non-Christians who were delighted by this work. CS Lewis once said in an interview that this was his favorite piece of fiction that he had ever written and many of the reviewers agreed. They appreciated it's depth and character, the classic literary style and the new twist on an ancient story. They saw characters come to life and felt the pain and joy and love. So why was this so depressing to me? Because this book is a mirror of our hearts without Christ - it is sad and pitiful and empty. It spends a life hurting and at the end, there is no redemption and one has to try to find significance in superficial things.

The heroine of this story, Orual, is followed throughout her life, with several important relationships featured. There is her father, who hates her. Her sister who makes her life miserable. Her nursemaid who makes everyone's life miserable. And then there is her sister who is the other focal point of the story - Orual loves her sister deeply. A love so violent that Orual is prepared to kill her sister in thoughts of protection - and as Orual's life continues, she realizes her love for her sister was so deeply passionate because of her jealousy - Orual admits that she would have rather seen her sister dead than happy without her. Along for the journey is an slave who serves as a grandfather. She is so close to this man and when she has the power to do so, gives him freedom. Yet he doesn't move away but rather chooses to live in continued servitude because he knows Orual is not really capable of living a mentally and emotionally balanced life without him. Finally, there is her guard, Bardia, whom she loves as a woman loves as man, yet he is married and she lives her whole life without ever telling him how she feels. She loves him and can't have him, so she causes him to spend most of his life at her side, rarely giving him opportunity to be with his wife and kids. Upon his death Bardia's wife confronts Orual on her destructive love, which kept Bardia away from his family and worked him to death. This is the first moment that Orual begins to see how destructive her love is to others.

If you haven't read the book - read the book. But I have this warning to you first. This book is a perfect mirror to how we naturally love. We love with dark passion - jealousy, lust, rage. Our love, left to its own devices, is painful to others, because in our own state, we love ourselves more than all else. We love everyone else based on what they can do for us. Yes, we are able to push those feelings away in every day life situations, but when our own happiness or security are threatened, the true nature of our love comes out and it is willing to hurt and kill and destroy. Self preservation triumphs over all.

I can read this book and be amazed by the stunning portrait of life and think, 'thanks be to God who loved me in this state - who died on a cross while I was still His enemy - who loved me the way only He can, filling the deepest desire of everyone's soul - to be loved as we are, even with all our faults and failings.' 

We are all Orual - we know we are flawed and that we would never be loved when seen for who we really are. We all veil our faces hiding our sorrow - making masks and walls to keep our emotions in and everyone else out. We all think we are loving others in our lives, but are crushed by the notion that someone we love might choose someone else above us. This horrible pride and self centered heart lives in each of us before Christ - and makes this story everyone's story. It's sad. There is no answer to the meaning of the pain. There is no resolution to a life of sorrow. In an amazing scene before the gods of the story, Orual asks her questions and realizes there are no answers. There is no hope. Without Christ, reading this story would make me want to drown in the river of my own sorrow (something Orual is prevented from doing even though she wants to). 

Why do all of these non-believers love this book? Because the knowledge of God is within each of us and I think this story awakens their hope inside. The one negative review I saw was a non-believer who couldn't connect with Orual. In her review she says that because Lewis writes the whole thing from Orual's perspective, not being able to connect to Orual means she can't connect to the story at all. Funny because I would guess that she is more like Orual than she knows and has not yet seen the destructive nature of her own flawed love. But to everyone else - I think they saw themselves and were able to hope for more. They were able to imagine being known, being loved, being chosen. They were able to picture a life where you truly belonged and didn't have to measure up anymore. While they would never call it by this name, they were able to imagine the gospel. The Good News. 

This book is call to evangelism if I ever saw one - CS Lewis is shouting - you have the longing of everyone's heart - and giving it away doesn't leave you with less, it just fills them up more. We can give away the love of Christ and never be empty: that stream of living water never runs dry. 

This book has become one of my favorite all time reads - but it remains second to another book - the call to love others and share this hope is clear in both. May God give me the courage to speak the answer to the question few are brave enough to ask. Yes, you are loved. 

Where do we go?

I haven't blogged in awhile and the truth is, I haven't had it together enough to do so. You see, I've looked at this blog as a place where my searching yields some fruit of understanding, depth, encouragement, growth or some other proof that I am no longer who I once was. The title of the blog "I Need A Savior" actually proves the length of my pride. See, I know that we are supposed to have the right balance of self-deprecation and humor. I know we are supposed to carry that balanced load of guilt and shame and freedom. We thank God for His grace and cry "Lord have mercy" all in the same breath.

No, this blog was the place I could spout off my wisdom with a "life lesson" and the right number of biblical citations to show a) I'm legit and b) I'm right - the Bible says so.....

This blog really was a stage - see my transparency and authenticity world? See how God is working in me? Maybe if you read this you will be encouraged that He can work in you too. And maybe, just maybe, someone might feel that work through ...wait for it...my words!!! Wow!!! Could it be?

Now, I do believe that an atheist reading the Word of God could bring people to Christ - it has little to do with us in the end. The heavens tell the glory of God and the rocks would cry out if we were silent. Surely the God of all the universe does not need my (or anyone's) eloquence to win people to Him. The problem really isn't the words themselves and I'm not saying everything I wrote was rubbish. I do believe the Word of God and I do believe I am a work in progress. And there are things I have shared here that very much are the real experience of my spiritual journey. The problem was not the words. The problem was my heart. Just like the atheist can't strip away the power of the gospel with his unbelief, my pride does not make God's word less true.

It's just a little empty here if I feel I need to have it all together first. Like cleaning your house before the cleaning lady comes, there's a part of me that needs to have the solution before I allow to admit I have the problem. This blog is less about God actively working and more of a history of what He has already done. Once I came to have a clearer picture of it....once I could figure it out in my own head and heart. And that's not what I need right now.

I'm in a new place and I can't keep coming back to the old. I'm hearing things I haven't heard before and I need to stop translating them into a framework that used to make sense to me. It's uncomfortable and a little sticky and that's just how it needs to be right now.

In the movie "The Avengers" Loki gives a little speech on how humans are meant to be ruled and that freedom is really the problem with humanity. Captain America comes in a kicks some tail showing just how wrong that is, because we love to hear about our right to freedom and individuality. It works well with our pride. Our identity revolves around our passions and desires.

But Loki is right on target - we were made to be ruled by God and to live in His will. We were made to be subjected to Him, trusting Him to know best and to provide the best. We were meant to cling to Him and find our identity in being His. So as He does a new thing in me and I try to stuff it back into my old framework of thinking, things get off course. I'm in a new place and that means truly leaving the old behind.

At the end of the day, this new things He is bringing about in me isn't about me at all. It's for Him, by Him, through Him and to Him. I'm not really sure how that plays out in the midst of dirty dishes and piles of laundry. It didn't feel that new arguing with my husband yesterday and watching my son angrily stomp off away from me after dinner. And while I am totally convinced that God called me to give up alcohol, all I really want right now is a large glass of red wine. His new thing is having to be pretty patient as I figure this out.

If you read this blog, you can expect more questions...more grit...and probably a few more tears. But it just isn't worth it to try to write about where God was anymore - especially when I really want to know where He is taking me.