Insecurity and Pride - A double edged sword

"Now, may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word." 2 Thes. 2:4
Go back to the disappearing ledge, looking out to oblivion. Why do we need to jump? Why can't we simply fall gracefully into the arms of our Savior? Because He tells us to come to Him. Christ says "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30 There is an active pursuit of rest required of us. In my desperation of seeing the chasm between who I am and who I want to be grow moment by moment, there is the need to jump to Him. To pursue Him. In Hebrews 4:16, we are told "Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." We go to Him.
So where do insecurity and pride fit in? Well, my insecurity is based in my desire to be better than I am. To feel a lack of confidence in who God made me to be and WORK in my own STRENGTH to be more. This is simply pride turned inside out. Instead of being proud and resting in my own strength, I am working through my insecurity to find something else I can be proud about. Either way, I am refusing to rest in the One that gives me strength. Either way, I am wrapped up in the s-factor (self) instead of running to my Savior.
When I feel criticized or marginalized (or the single greatest fear of mine - unnecessary) I start to examine myself, to find my flaws and fix them, that I would never be criticized or forgotten again. I try to make myself indispensable. I try to work out my anger or hurt and use it to fuel action. And this is so backwards from God's design.
Have you seen an exhausted three year old try to climb the stairs? They seem to melt on each step, crying as they walk, as if the very act hurts them. Yet, when you bend down to pick them up, they cry louder, saying "I can do it!" So often, that is where I take my frustration and exhaustion. I keep trudging up the stairs, while God shakes His head at me, knowing the rest I am ignoring in His arms. In Hebrews we are given a warning, "Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience." (Heb 4:11). Here the author refers to two different types of rest simultaneously - the rest Joshua was trying to lead Israel to and the rest that comes from obedience to the call of Christ. His eternal rest. For those who disobeyed and ignored the Word of the Lord, they could not enter His rest. While His rest is available to all who believe, we must enter His rest. We must go to Him.
Both my insecurity and my pride have prevented me from this time and time again. I spoke last time of my hopeless confessions. These confessions come from the insecurity of seeing myself for who I really am, but thinking that God sees me that way as well. I am living each day in a works based theology, although I say that I believe I have been saved by grace. I see the works that I have done well and feel worthy. When I see areas of struggle, sin or just plain lack of giftedness, I feel ashamed and lacking. Romans 9:20 says "On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" In 1 Corinthians we are told that God has placed us in the body as He desired. (1 Cor 12:18) In my insecurity, I am telling God that He didn't make me right. That I don't like the gifts He has given me and I want different ones (or more gifts) to feel worthy. In my pride, I am telling God that I can bring my works to Him as payment for His pleasure. Both look to the cross of Christ, at His death and say - I don't want Your sacrifce on my behalf. And yet, 2 Corinthians 5:21 states "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on your behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
Think of a basketball player. The world judges them on how many baksets they make. They train and practice and the crowd cheers with every shot they make and groan at all the ones they miss. Christ, in His grace, calls us to something so much greater than that. He calls us to train and practice and grow in our walk with Him (Phil 1:6, Heb 12:1-3, 1 Cor. 9: 24-27). And yet, God views us as if we were wearing the righteousness of Christ. Colossians 1:22 says, "Yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach." I can serve God with all that is in me, because He has given me all of Himself.
What does a humbled life of service look like? Well, it looks like Christ.
What does it look like for me to live a life of humble service? That is what I hope to discover.