The S Factor

At my recent birthday party, I chose a bowling name for myself "The S Factor". This name was based on me, Susan. What has struck me so completely, is that the S-Factor that seems to plague my very existence, is the other "S" or "self". Yes, my "self" factor has so completely dominated my life that I wasn't able to identify it without the support of one of my best friends Faithdare or my husband. Thanks to them both for setting me on this journey.

We are all made in the image of God, having multifaceted gifts and talents, all from Him, for Him and by Him. (Gen 1:26-27, Eph 4:11-16) He has created us with purpose and designed each of us to be unique, and yet somehow I have become wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do - or who I was supposed to be. I have forgotten the beautiful words in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

This was all made very clear to me last night, when I realized, I think for the first time ever in my life, that the sin of pride and the sin of insecurity are the same thing. Pride and I have wrestled for a long time together and I have continually felt like it had the upper hand. While I pour myself before the cross, sincerely stating "More of You, Lord, and less of me", my thoughts and actions state the exact opossite. I cry out like Paul "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) I know the very sin that I am waring with has been conquered once and for all with Christ's death on the cross, yet rather than living in victory, I find myself perpetually tending towards a life of shame and hopeless confession.

And with the very typing of the words, the weight that presses upon me feels slightly lifted. I have been able to admit my failing with just a few simple key strokes - I live in shame and hopelessness, even though the crown is stretched out before me.

Without children, I may not have ever realized just how appropriate the father/child analogy is for God. However, blessed with three, I see more of myself in their actions and can only imagine my heavenly Father shaking His head at me asking "Do you get? Do you see?"

Just yesterday, one of my sons sat down infront of the sofa, backside on the floor, arms pressing down on the floor to support himself, with both legs up on the sofa. As he pushed up with his arms, he kicked his feet. It looked like so much work! I had no idea what he was even trying to do, so I asked him. His response, "I'm trying to get on the sofa." My husband, having missed my question, came in and easily sat down next to my son's feet, still kicking. I asked my son, "Isn't the way Daddy got on the sofa easier?" My son smiled at me and said, "Yes". He then turned his attention back to his project, which eventually lead to losing his balance and crashing to the floor in a heap.

I am just as ridiculous. I see the ease with which one can approach the Father and yet I smile and continue to flail about in the most ungraceful and unproductive waste of energy that leaves me exhausted, injured and in a heap. While I watched my son, I did not interfere. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being amused by his futile attempt to get on the sofa in a new and different way. It was simply that I understood he knew how to get on the sofa and when his little experiment was over, he would go ahead and sit down the right way. I really think that is how God has been approaching me. As a believer, I do KNOW how to approach my Father and I know what rest and peace awaits me. And yet, I choose to flail about. I choose to exhaust myself in a truly nonsensical way. For what? Well, like Frank Sinatra, we all want to do it our own way.

This is where simple pride comes in. From the very beginning of time, pride has been the divider between God and the created beings. In Isaiah 13 and 14 we read of the pride of Babylon, looking to ascend into heaven and raise a throne above the Lord. In Genesis 3, the woman looks to make herself wise, rather than obey the Word of the Lord and eats of the tree of knowledge. In this act, along with the man taking the fruit and eating, all of mankind is driven out of community with God. John writes in 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lustof the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not of the Father, but is from the world." And at the very end of it all, Babylon is said to experience tormet and mourning to the same degree she glorified herself. (Rev 18:7) Scripture is filled with the strong response of the Lord to those who are proud. In Mark 7:21-23, Christ equates pride with murder and other evil acts that "proceed from within and defile a man". Verse after verse, passage after passage, the sin of pride is addressed. And yet, the pride of self permeates our being.

In my own proud way, I thought I was making up some ground in this whole pride issue, when I saw a shift in my thinking. Instead of being proud, I now felt more insecure than I ever had in my life. I questioned my place in this life and my worth. I knew that nothing I brought on my own had any value and I wrestled with huge feelings of inadequacy. I didn't want to be needy. I missed my pride. I missed my confidence. I found myself easily angered and hurt - wounded frequently by those around me. Those who I knew to love me. Maybe I wasn't loveable. Maybe they had seen me for who I knew myself to be - nothing. My outer shell was slowly being chipped away and I knew that when the shell finally cracked, nothing would be left but air. Emptiness.

I was a sham, a fraud and while I had known this for awhile, I felt like other people were starting to pick up on it too. It was only a matter of time before they saw just how nothing I was and would leave me. Fearful of abandonment, I wanted to be better - to do more - to fix myself. And yet, the more I wanted to fix myself, the more I saw broken. The more I saw how far I would need to go. The gap was growing wider every moment and worse yet, the ground I was standing on was shrinking. Imagine a ledge that plunges to oblivion and where you stand looking out into the emptiness slowly dwindles. Soon, there will be nothing to do but fall.

Unless you jump.