God has put me in a pretty weird place right now. In a near miraculous form, I was removed from an insane workload that had me stressed out and disconnected and physically aching beneath the strain to a downright relaxing combination of part time jobs that added together are still less than half of my prior arrangement. I've lost nearly all of my former structured communities, but continue to dive deeper into relationship with my closely loved friends. I find myself serving individuals rather than causes or projects and have time to engage my kids in silly conversation beyond the functional and logistical aspects of their lives. Like I said - it's weird.
I have been in leadership roles for over 15 years and now have no one to lead, organize or administer. No one reports to me and I rarely report to anyone else. For a professional - that is a strange place to be. I functioned as a professional in my home, at my church and in my community, but that's all gone too. Now I'm the mom making cookies with her kids and grabbing coffee with friends, while working 4 -5 hours each day, not really breaking a sweat or stressing out. I dream about exercise, not the next crisis at work. I wake up wondering what I will do each day - not wondering how it will all get done.
See what I mean? Totally bizarre.
I have viewed this as a gift since it began a few months ago, but now I have noticed my tendency to shrug off this time as being a big blank sheet, without a lot being written. Without the sense of urgency or crisis, my attitude towards each day has started to become a little cavalier as well. Where before I was delighting in my freedom, it's started to feel a little empty.
Now I will be the first to say that this is absolutely where God wants me to be and how He wants me to be living (not perfectly, but confident in the direction) and there is amazing peace in that. Peace that I have prayed for through the last several years. But it doesn't feel significant. When talking to a friend I referenced the unrest I felt having God not ask anything from me in this season. She replied (in great wisdom) "Do you ever think the season is 'nothing'? Maybe nothing in the sense that we don't have to "do" or "produce" or "contribute". But I think He's always calling us to connect - with Him AND with others."
What I love about this woman (and her comment) is the reflection of God's supremacy and wisdom, paired with compassion. Psalm 119 is FILLED with this. The Psalmist speaks of his own riches, wisdom, company with princes and kings, and worldly blessings - yet it comes back again and again to God's word as true wisdom, true riches, true blessing. The Lord can give great treasure in this world, but nothing exceeds the glory of His presence. I may not have anything asked of me right now in my traditional, productive definition, but I am invited to know Him more and to love Him deeper and to share that with those around me.
It isn't flashy. It isn't glamorous. This new life of mine comes complete with yoga pants and make-up free days. But the season is also filled with time - His time - that He is giving to me to rest, fellowship, pray and meditate in His word. And that's not nothing.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
But I'm a mess too....
I don't usually blog to vent, but tonight I'm just worn. My daughter continues to cry over the most random things, while my greatly troubled son cried all through Good Friday service with tears of joy because he finally understands God's love. So, after holding him while he cries for a good 15 minutes after church, my other son, who has spent the whole day being cheerful and helpful and loving turns into a big crab apple complete with door slams, eye rolling and literally sticking his fingers in his ears while I talk to him.
After another 45 minute talk, prayer and hug session, that son is tucked into bed and I am pooped! I was already exhausted by my own emotional drama with spending all day thinking of my grandmother who loved Easter and whose birthday would be approaching, had she not died a year and a half ago. There I was trying to pour out love and patience which I had already spent on my owns issues. But the Lord, as always, had gone before me - even in my drama.
At the service this evening we spent time in private confession and then wrote a sin down on paper and nailed it to the cross. My sin that the Lord put before me this evening - limits. The way I put limits on myself, my faith and on Him. I carefully mark off the lines I don't want Him to cross and have firmly established lines for those places in my own life where I refuse to step over the line into the uncomfortable and unknown. Limits. Yep - that's the word He gave me.
And what does He do immediately afterward - once again shows me how quick I get to the end of myself. How quickly my limits are pushed and how little I bring to the table. Yes, my kids are all entering those years of hormones and emotions and the fun of discovering what it means to be a more mature person - and I knew it would come. But I guess I thought I wouldn't be a mess anymore. I thought that surely by the time my kids were old enough to start creating their baggage, I would have ditched mine.
No such luck....
Enter once again the cross...
They had their own sins to nail by their own hand and I had mine. We are all on the same road to being more like Christ, just in different places. They have their limits and I have mine. But His love is limitless. His power is boundless. His forgiveness is endless. His mercy is never ceasing. His grace is all sufficient. All sufficient. For their tantrums and for mine.
I am still a mess and the best thing I can do as a parent is point them to the same cross that I so heavily cling to. "How can I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom."
After another 45 minute talk, prayer and hug session, that son is tucked into bed and I am pooped! I was already exhausted by my own emotional drama with spending all day thinking of my grandmother who loved Easter and whose birthday would be approaching, had she not died a year and a half ago. There I was trying to pour out love and patience which I had already spent on my owns issues. But the Lord, as always, had gone before me - even in my drama.
At the service this evening we spent time in private confession and then wrote a sin down on paper and nailed it to the cross. My sin that the Lord put before me this evening - limits. The way I put limits on myself, my faith and on Him. I carefully mark off the lines I don't want Him to cross and have firmly established lines for those places in my own life where I refuse to step over the line into the uncomfortable and unknown. Limits. Yep - that's the word He gave me.
And what does He do immediately afterward - once again shows me how quick I get to the end of myself. How quickly my limits are pushed and how little I bring to the table. Yes, my kids are all entering those years of hormones and emotions and the fun of discovering what it means to be a more mature person - and I knew it would come. But I guess I thought I wouldn't be a mess anymore. I thought that surely by the time my kids were old enough to start creating their baggage, I would have ditched mine.
No such luck....
Enter once again the cross...
They had their own sins to nail by their own hand and I had mine. We are all on the same road to being more like Christ, just in different places. They have their limits and I have mine. But His love is limitless. His power is boundless. His forgiveness is endless. His mercy is never ceasing. His grace is all sufficient. All sufficient. For their tantrums and for mine.
I am still a mess and the best thing I can do as a parent is point them to the same cross that I so heavily cling to. "How can I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom."
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