The Webster dictionary defines convicted as the following: "1 : to find or prove to be guilty 2 : to convince of error or sinfulness".
This past 48 hours, I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit, convinced of my error and sinfulness.
In John 16, Jesus describes the coming of the Holy Spirit and Christ says that the Holy Spirit "will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgement". But not only this, the Holy Spirit is also said to "guide you into all truth". The word conviction is used in association with the Holy Spirit in two key passages - Hebrews 11:1 "now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." and also in 1 Thesalonians 1:5 "for our gospel did not come to you in word only, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction."
What is this conviction? It is God's great grace of sancitfying work that fulfills the wonderful promise of Philipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." God uses the Holy Spirit to continually make us more like Christ and He does this is an amazing variety of ways.
So here is a list of my path from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning that brought me to the cross, crawling forward on my knees and crying out to my Savior.
1 - Saturday afternoon - going to a kids birthday party when I would much rather be somewhere else. The hostess didn't even recognize me, but there were two friends stranded in this awkward setting of watching a gaggle of screaming children with very little to do but sweat in the hot sun. David and I had hoped to drop the kids and grab lunch together - but instead, we abandoned our lunch plans and entered into the awkwardness and tried to support our friends and the kids at this party. I had to ask myself - how many times does my agenda stand in the way of service?
2 - Sunday morning - I listened to the wise words of an 18 year old girl, describing her lessons in patience and openess to the Lord changing her plans. I was struck by how many times in my life I needed those same lessons. How many times have I complained about God's timing? Or tried to convince Him that my way really had more merit and just possibly He should try my way for once, instead of faithfully guiding me to His? Nearly twice her age, but wrestling with the same simple concepts - that God is good - that His ways are perfect - and that His wisdom is beyond my understanding.
3 - Sunday morning - our pastor had a bit of an untraditional approach to his sermon and I almost tuned out. But I didn't. Instead of letting my mind wander, I listened and heard my need. I heard my tendancy to thinking that I have "arrived" because I lead in some settings. To think that I am no longer a follower - but I've graduated to leader status. Oh my - how can I forget His words? 1 Timothy says so clearly in chapter 1 starting in verse 5 "But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. For some men, straying from these things, have turned aside to fruitless discussion, wanting to be teachers of the Law, even though they do not understand either what they are saying or the matters about which they make confident assertions." or in 2 Timothy 2:15 "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurarely handling the word of truth." Who am I to think I could rest in my walk and just coast?
4- This morning - in my quiet time this morning I started with Psalm 67 which says "God be gracious to us and bless us and cause His face to shine on us". Let me stop here - because I always do - I love this as a benediction at the end of a service - I feel so loved by the Lord with the idea of His face shining on me. But if you read one more verse you find "That Your way may be known on the earth, Your salvation among all nations." Wow....the point of this warm, fuzzy feeling I get from verse 1 is not about me at all - it's all about Him. It's all for His glory. That He may be known. His love in me is not only for me - but for me to radiate to others. I finished my quiet time with a short passage from C.S. Lewis who writes about the love of friendship - "They can then say, as the blessed souls says in Dante 'Here comes one who will augment our loves.' For in this love 'to divide is not to take away'" This thought capped a two day revelation and brought the conviction of my soul.
The body of Christ is one of the greatest gifts we have as believers - to uplift, encourage, support, exhort. We are friends - brothers and sisters in Christ. Through God's love, with each person that enters our circle, we more fully exhibit the love of Christ. We have more opportunities to serve. We have more opportunities to be the hands and feet of Christ. We have more ability to lead and follow as we all follow Christ. And the only place to go is His word of truth. The Holy Spirit comes as a foretaste of our inheritance and He convicts us of truth - whether we are living it or not. Being called into relationship with those I do not currently name as friends is not an inconvenience, it is my mission field. It is my calling.
We are all leaders - we are all followers - we are all sinners saved by grace and there is no room for pride or boasting or self sufficiency. With Christ as my Savior and Lord, my hands are open to moving in His plan for His glory. There is no coasting - there is no slowing down - there is no backing out - there are just my empty hands, being filled by the hands that were nailed to a cross for me. For my life. For my love.
Paul Baloche wrote an amazing song that sums up my state:
"What can I do but thank you? What can I do but give my life to You, hallelujah, hallelujah. What can I do praise You? Everyday make everything I do a hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah."
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A View from the Mountaintop
This morning, for the second day in a row, I woke up in Spain, from a house on a cliff, overlooking the city and beach below. I always thought about "mountain top" experiences from the context of being on God's holy hill. That His presence is what makes the experience so deep. I still believe that to be true, but I wonder if part of the mountain imagery in scripture is based on how different a perspective is from on high.
This mountain I am on has several characteristics that I think really play a part in how I need to view God. First - perspective is completely different. The scale changes, the relationships between location changes, everything seems smaller, more manageable, and the big picture is so much clearer. When we were walking around the city, distances seemed so much longer and each street seemed so isolated. From above, it's all small and unified as one city. Another change is the weather - this morning there is a fog hanging on top of the city, but here in the air is clear. No obstructions blocking our view. The fog may seem heavy and thick from the city looking up, but looking down, you can see that it is just whispy clouds, that will burn off with the rising sun. Finally, the approach - to get to the top is not easy. Most vehicles have a hard time with the climb and to climb the stone stairs up the side (as we did yesterday) caused even the most fit young men to stop and rest. No one could approach the top easily.
God's view is so different from ours. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways highers than your ways and My thoughts, higher than your thoughts." While this should be a great comfort of ours, so many times we loook to our own wisdom instead. Psalm 65:5 promises "By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us, O God of our salvation. You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth." The rest of the Psalm describes the Lord's provision for the whole earth and all that is in it. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, why are we so different? Why aren't we just waiting patiently on Him and His provision? Why indeed?
Back in the garden, we were designed to dwell with Him, in His presence, living under the safety and protection of His bountiful provision. But we needed to go our own way. Isaiah 53:6 says "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, everyone to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." This verse alone shows God's amazing love and mercy. We are each a prodigal child, being welcomed back into the arms of our Father. But at what cost? Well, we need to read the previous verses to understand that:
"Surely He has born our griefs and carried our sorrows. Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisemen for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:4-5
There is so much more to our God that simple power or provision. He isn't a geanie in a lamp or Santa Claus, bringing us our desires. In fact, some of the greatest punishments are in the form of giving us over to our desires. (Pslam 81:12, Romans 1) And yet, He is so much greater than just the loving God who is merciful. Without the total picture, we miss Him for who He is and shrink Him in our minds. When we fail to be in awe of His entire character (or at least in the best way we are able) we lose out on the blessing of knowing Him for who He is. Sandi Patti had a song with the chorus "And Lord we praise you, because of who You are, not just for all the mighty things Your hand has done. Lord we worship You because of who You are. You're all the reason that I need to voice my praise, because of who You are."
To worship God soley on His character puts our perspective back where it needs to be. As we are focusing on Him alone, His beauty, His works, His provision - all that He has done for us, to us and through us, becomes evident. There is nothing wrong with praising God for His gifts, but the praise also should be there in times of want. Paul summarizes this so well in Philipians 4:11-13 "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am to be content: I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That is the voice of one who loves Christ for how He is! Oh, that I could honsetly say the same for me.
Mountaintop views offer so much and yet they can seem few and far between. One can't hop a jet to Spain just for some refreshment and another point of view everytime things get heavy. But - I am thankful for this time - and trust God to continue to show me His character and who He is - whether I'm in a valley or on a mountain - until I reside with Him on His holy hill.
Revalation 21:10-11a "And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great and high mountain, and showed me the great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God having the glory of God."
This mountain I am on has several characteristics that I think really play a part in how I need to view God. First - perspective is completely different. The scale changes, the relationships between location changes, everything seems smaller, more manageable, and the big picture is so much clearer. When we were walking around the city, distances seemed so much longer and each street seemed so isolated. From above, it's all small and unified as one city. Another change is the weather - this morning there is a fog hanging on top of the city, but here in the air is clear. No obstructions blocking our view. The fog may seem heavy and thick from the city looking up, but looking down, you can see that it is just whispy clouds, that will burn off with the rising sun. Finally, the approach - to get to the top is not easy. Most vehicles have a hard time with the climb and to climb the stone stairs up the side (as we did yesterday) caused even the most fit young men to stop and rest. No one could approach the top easily.
God's view is so different from ours. Isaiah 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways highers than your ways and My thoughts, higher than your thoughts." While this should be a great comfort of ours, so many times we loook to our own wisdom instead. Psalm 65:5 promises "By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us, O God of our salvation. You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth." The rest of the Psalm describes the Lord's provision for the whole earth and all that is in it. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, why are we so different? Why aren't we just waiting patiently on Him and His provision? Why indeed?
Back in the garden, we were designed to dwell with Him, in His presence, living under the safety and protection of His bountiful provision. But we needed to go our own way. Isaiah 53:6 says "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, everyone to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." This verse alone shows God's amazing love and mercy. We are each a prodigal child, being welcomed back into the arms of our Father. But at what cost? Well, we need to read the previous verses to understand that:
"Surely He has born our griefs and carried our sorrows. Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisemen for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:4-5
There is so much more to our God that simple power or provision. He isn't a geanie in a lamp or Santa Claus, bringing us our desires. In fact, some of the greatest punishments are in the form of giving us over to our desires. (Pslam 81:12, Romans 1) And yet, He is so much greater than just the loving God who is merciful. Without the total picture, we miss Him for who He is and shrink Him in our minds. When we fail to be in awe of His entire character (or at least in the best way we are able) we lose out on the blessing of knowing Him for who He is. Sandi Patti had a song with the chorus "And Lord we praise you, because of who You are, not just for all the mighty things Your hand has done. Lord we worship You because of who You are. You're all the reason that I need to voice my praise, because of who You are."
To worship God soley on His character puts our perspective back where it needs to be. As we are focusing on Him alone, His beauty, His works, His provision - all that He has done for us, to us and through us, becomes evident. There is nothing wrong with praising God for His gifts, but the praise also should be there in times of want. Paul summarizes this so well in Philipians 4:11-13 "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am to be content: I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That is the voice of one who loves Christ for how He is! Oh, that I could honsetly say the same for me.
Mountaintop views offer so much and yet they can seem few and far between. One can't hop a jet to Spain just for some refreshment and another point of view everytime things get heavy. But - I am thankful for this time - and trust God to continue to show me His character and who He is - whether I'm in a valley or on a mountain - until I reside with Him on His holy hill.
Revalation 21:10-11a "And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great and high mountain, and showed me the great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God having the glory of God."
Saturday, April 24, 2010
But I don't think I can do this....
As a parent, I am beginning to believe that our primary purpose is to reflect the character of God in a tangible, physical way they can relate to, so as they learn to personally accept God as their Heavenly Father and Christ as their Savior and King, they have a picture of what that looks like.
I don't think there is any subject I think more about than my role as a mother. I'm the only mother they have and these children were formed inside me. I felt them grow. Thanks to technology, I watched them grow and could hear their beating hearts before they even entered the world. There are many books written on parenting and I actually began to feel oppressed by all the actions I wasn't doing. There was always more time that could have been spent with them. There was always an opportunity to do more for them. Was I teaching them enough? Did I love them enough? Was I instructing them properly for them to become mature Christians with a heart that follows the Lord? Was I protecting them from sex and drugs and countless other temptations that will be presented to them over the years? There was a crushing sense that I could never do enough.
Over the past month, I had listened to two very different speakers talking about child-rearing on two very hot topics. Sex and service. After the sex lecture, I realized my total inadequacy as a parent and wanted to lock my children away for the rest of the world. After the service lecture, I realized my total inadequacy as a parent and wanted to get them out into the world, serving as Christ had served. The only thing I knew for sure was that no matter what the situation, I was totally inadequate.
There is great truth in this. Was Mary ready to mother the Christ? Was Hannah ready to mother Samuel and watch the reign of the kings of Israel begin? God knows we are inadequate. His plan includes our weakness, knowing that His purpose will never be thwarted. (Isaiah 5:1-7, Isaiah 14:27, Isaiah 46:11) Matthew documents the genealogy of Jesus and included are Jacob (who stole his father's blessing), Rahab (a prostitute), Ruth (a foreigner outside the Israelite people), and Bathsheba (an adulteress). All of us are flawed and yet God is telling a story through His people. The funny thing, is that "His people" often don't look the way we expect them to. Christ Himself was born in a stable to a woman of questionable reputation and dies on the cross between criminals.
So the first question is - why do I feel like it is all on me to do this successfully?
The second question is - do I know what success looks like?
The Word of God can answer both of these questions. The Bible is my source of wisdom and the source of truth. There I find His strength and encouragement and His promise to be faithful. The Bible is also my source to see what God has called me to in motherhood.
Some basic notes: Ephesians 5 and 6 interestingly enough does not have a command to mothers. God commands wives to subject themselves to their husbands, husbands to love their wives, children to honor their mother and father and fathers to not provoke their children to anger. Nothing to mothers. I believe this is because it was said in one sentence. "Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Then children are told to "obey their parents in the Lord". What is my command as a mother? To give my children an example of honoring and respecting their father. To model obedience to God through submission to my husband. How will they obey and respect their father if I do not? This point is so crucial to family relations, that Collosians 4:18-25 echos the same theme almost verbatim.
When Mary is visited by the angel, her response is "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be unto me according to your word." (Luke 1:38) Her song (or magnificat) again states "the humble state of His bondslave". She doesn't ask for parenting tips for rearing the Lord Most High. She humbly calls herself His bondslave.
Hannah, when she delivers Samuel to the temple as she promised calls him "dedicated to the Lord" (1 Sam 1:28).
Finally, that description of a worthy woman given in Proverbs 31 again shows the role of a woman. It begins with a description of her as a wife, then her industriousness in her household. Then this amazing description is given "Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." (Prov 31:25-26). All that is noted about her children is that they "rise up and bless her".
Who is the mother portrayed in the bible? She is the same as any godly women, whose focus is on the Lord. When we focus on the Lord and emulate Him, we are parenting our children in the way God desires. I don't need to read a million books on child rearing. They may have some helpful tips, but my true book on child rearing is the Bible. My true guide in motherhood and all aspects of life is God's word.
Can I do everything right? Of course not! But I trust in God's faithfulness, knowing that if I am following Him and pursuing Him above all, my children will see it. They will learn from it. They will emulate it. If I can be an example of Christ to my children, while openly leaning on Him for all things, then my children have been taught. If I teach my children God's Word and encourage them to grow in Him, then I have been a successful mom. And if I have the fruit of the Spirit working in my life, then I will be patient, kind, gracious, loving, and good to my children.
How liberating that is to know!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Joshua 24:15
I don't think there is any subject I think more about than my role as a mother. I'm the only mother they have and these children were formed inside me. I felt them grow. Thanks to technology, I watched them grow and could hear their beating hearts before they even entered the world. There are many books written on parenting and I actually began to feel oppressed by all the actions I wasn't doing. There was always more time that could have been spent with them. There was always an opportunity to do more for them. Was I teaching them enough? Did I love them enough? Was I instructing them properly for them to become mature Christians with a heart that follows the Lord? Was I protecting them from sex and drugs and countless other temptations that will be presented to them over the years? There was a crushing sense that I could never do enough.
Over the past month, I had listened to two very different speakers talking about child-rearing on two very hot topics. Sex and service. After the sex lecture, I realized my total inadequacy as a parent and wanted to lock my children away for the rest of the world. After the service lecture, I realized my total inadequacy as a parent and wanted to get them out into the world, serving as Christ had served. The only thing I knew for sure was that no matter what the situation, I was totally inadequate.
There is great truth in this. Was Mary ready to mother the Christ? Was Hannah ready to mother Samuel and watch the reign of the kings of Israel begin? God knows we are inadequate. His plan includes our weakness, knowing that His purpose will never be thwarted. (Isaiah 5:1-7, Isaiah 14:27, Isaiah 46:11) Matthew documents the genealogy of Jesus and included are Jacob (who stole his father's blessing), Rahab (a prostitute), Ruth (a foreigner outside the Israelite people), and Bathsheba (an adulteress). All of us are flawed and yet God is telling a story through His people. The funny thing, is that "His people" often don't look the way we expect them to. Christ Himself was born in a stable to a woman of questionable reputation and dies on the cross between criminals.
So the first question is - why do I feel like it is all on me to do this successfully?
The second question is - do I know what success looks like?
The Word of God can answer both of these questions. The Bible is my source of wisdom and the source of truth. There I find His strength and encouragement and His promise to be faithful. The Bible is also my source to see what God has called me to in motherhood.
Some basic notes: Ephesians 5 and 6 interestingly enough does not have a command to mothers. God commands wives to subject themselves to their husbands, husbands to love their wives, children to honor their mother and father and fathers to not provoke their children to anger. Nothing to mothers. I believe this is because it was said in one sentence. "Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Then children are told to "obey their parents in the Lord". What is my command as a mother? To give my children an example of honoring and respecting their father. To model obedience to God through submission to my husband. How will they obey and respect their father if I do not? This point is so crucial to family relations, that Collosians 4:18-25 echos the same theme almost verbatim.
When Mary is visited by the angel, her response is "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be unto me according to your word." (Luke 1:38) Her song (or magnificat) again states "the humble state of His bondslave". She doesn't ask for parenting tips for rearing the Lord Most High. She humbly calls herself His bondslave.
Hannah, when she delivers Samuel to the temple as she promised calls him "dedicated to the Lord" (1 Sam 1:28).
Finally, that description of a worthy woman given in Proverbs 31 again shows the role of a woman. It begins with a description of her as a wife, then her industriousness in her household. Then this amazing description is given "Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." (Prov 31:25-26). All that is noted about her children is that they "rise up and bless her".
Who is the mother portrayed in the bible? She is the same as any godly women, whose focus is on the Lord. When we focus on the Lord and emulate Him, we are parenting our children in the way God desires. I don't need to read a million books on child rearing. They may have some helpful tips, but my true book on child rearing is the Bible. My true guide in motherhood and all aspects of life is God's word.
Can I do everything right? Of course not! But I trust in God's faithfulness, knowing that if I am following Him and pursuing Him above all, my children will see it. They will learn from it. They will emulate it. If I can be an example of Christ to my children, while openly leaning on Him for all things, then my children have been taught. If I teach my children God's Word and encourage them to grow in Him, then I have been a successful mom. And if I have the fruit of the Spirit working in my life, then I will be patient, kind, gracious, loving, and good to my children.
How liberating that is to know!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Joshua 24:15
Saturday, April 3, 2010
The Sounds of Silence
Mercy Me has a song, "Word of God Speak" with this as it's first verse:
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
For those of you who know me, imagining me being quiet may be difficult or even laughable. This past weekend at a marriage conference, I was reminded of the "Words of Silence". As part of tangible ways to show respect for your husband, Family Life ministry includes this amazing concept of "words of silence", which are rated as high as "words of gratitude" and "words of praise".
You don't have to travel far in scripture to find cautionary words against speaking unnecessarily. Proverbs is FULL of scripture descriptions of foolish men and the love of the sound of their voice. Prov 29:20 "Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." In Nave's Topical Bible, there six pages of references contrasting the wisdom and folly in speech and their consequences. James is one of the most powerful statement to Christians and their speech:
"So also the tongue is a small part of the body and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue, is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set amoung our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell." James 3:5-6
He goes on to say how we both bless the Lord and curse men with the same mouth.
Yes, there is much power in silence. To listen to the Lord and wait for His voice - this above all, is a worthy pursuit. Psalm 73:23-24 say, "Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel, You will guide me and afterward receive me to glory." and Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His Word do I hope."
So why is silence so hard? Both with God and with people, my pride and my insecurity get in the way. With the Lord, I am too busy telling Him what I think I need to be instructed on how to find what I ACTUALLY need. With people, my pride says my opinions and contributions are too valuable to be left to silence. My insecurity wonders if I don't speak up, will people forget that I'm there? Will I find myself replaceable? So I speak - often - with emphatic tones and persuasive arguments. I speak when nothing needs be said. This is so frequent, that when David and I were driving home from the conference, he described how he was going to do something. Normally, I would have quickly told him how I would do it (which was to do it differently) and possibly insinuated that the way he was doing it was wrong. In an effort to be silent, I just nodded and went "mmm". David was so taken back that he looked to see if I was angry. And I said "Words of silence. You and I do things differently, but there is nothing wrong with your plan and there is no need for me to tell you how I would do it instead." He paused and said "This is going to take some getting used to." What a difficult thing to hear...that my husband is going to have to adjust to me not commenting on all the minutia that doesn't really require a response. But maybe that's something else I can be doing in my silence - I can be listening. Really listening.
There is a flip side here. The Lord has created us all differently and with all different gifts. He has done this for the sake of His kingdom and for His glory. (Ephesians 4:11-12) And speaking can be done in incredible ways. Let's just start with the fruit of the spirit. Many of those can be done through speech "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control". (Gal 5:22-23) In 2 Cor. 2:3-7, we are called to be servants of God "in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love, in the word of truth, in the power of God." In Pslam 66:1-2 "Shout joyfully to God, all the earth; Sing the glory of His name; Make His praise glorious." As mother's we are called to instruct our children (Proverbs 1:8, 6:20) The worthy woman of Proverbs 31:26 "opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." In Titus 2:3 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not mallisous gossips nor ensalved to much wine, teaching them what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and love their children, to be sinsible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the work of God will not be dishonored."
If I spoke praise to the Lord, encouragement to my husband, wisdom to my children, lovingkindness to my friends and family - oh what a blessing I could make of this tongue the Lord has given me. If I was only to speak in this way, what room would be left for prideful or arrogant speech? When would there be time to be critical or discouraging? This isn't going to come easily, but with the Holy Spirit indwelling me, I can trust in His power, despite my own weakness.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
For those of you who know me, imagining me being quiet may be difficult or even laughable. This past weekend at a marriage conference, I was reminded of the "Words of Silence". As part of tangible ways to show respect for your husband, Family Life ministry includes this amazing concept of "words of silence", which are rated as high as "words of gratitude" and "words of praise".
You don't have to travel far in scripture to find cautionary words against speaking unnecessarily. Proverbs is FULL of scripture descriptions of foolish men and the love of the sound of their voice. Prov 29:20 "Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." In Nave's Topical Bible, there six pages of references contrasting the wisdom and folly in speech and their consequences. James is one of the most powerful statement to Christians and their speech:
"So also the tongue is a small part of the body and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue, is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set amoung our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell." James 3:5-6
He goes on to say how we both bless the Lord and curse men with the same mouth.
Yes, there is much power in silence. To listen to the Lord and wait for His voice - this above all, is a worthy pursuit. Psalm 73:23-24 say, "Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel, You will guide me and afterward receive me to glory." and Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His Word do I hope."
So why is silence so hard? Both with God and with people, my pride and my insecurity get in the way. With the Lord, I am too busy telling Him what I think I need to be instructed on how to find what I ACTUALLY need. With people, my pride says my opinions and contributions are too valuable to be left to silence. My insecurity wonders if I don't speak up, will people forget that I'm there? Will I find myself replaceable? So I speak - often - with emphatic tones and persuasive arguments. I speak when nothing needs be said. This is so frequent, that when David and I were driving home from the conference, he described how he was going to do something. Normally, I would have quickly told him how I would do it (which was to do it differently) and possibly insinuated that the way he was doing it was wrong. In an effort to be silent, I just nodded and went "mmm". David was so taken back that he looked to see if I was angry. And I said "Words of silence. You and I do things differently, but there is nothing wrong with your plan and there is no need for me to tell you how I would do it instead." He paused and said "This is going to take some getting used to." What a difficult thing to hear...that my husband is going to have to adjust to me not commenting on all the minutia that doesn't really require a response. But maybe that's something else I can be doing in my silence - I can be listening. Really listening.
There is a flip side here. The Lord has created us all differently and with all different gifts. He has done this for the sake of His kingdom and for His glory. (Ephesians 4:11-12) And speaking can be done in incredible ways. Let's just start with the fruit of the spirit. Many of those can be done through speech "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control". (Gal 5:22-23) In 2 Cor. 2:3-7, we are called to be servants of God "in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love, in the word of truth, in the power of God." In Pslam 66:1-2 "Shout joyfully to God, all the earth; Sing the glory of His name; Make His praise glorious." As mother's we are called to instruct our children (Proverbs 1:8, 6:20) The worthy woman of Proverbs 31:26 "opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." In Titus 2:3 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not mallisous gossips nor ensalved to much wine, teaching them what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and love their children, to be sinsible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the work of God will not be dishonored."
If I spoke praise to the Lord, encouragement to my husband, wisdom to my children, lovingkindness to my friends and family - oh what a blessing I could make of this tongue the Lord has given me. If I was only to speak in this way, what room would be left for prideful or arrogant speech? When would there be time to be critical or discouraging? This isn't going to come easily, but with the Holy Spirit indwelling me, I can trust in His power, despite my own weakness.
Monday, March 29, 2010
How Far am I Willing to Go?
Last week I had the most interesting thing happen to me. I was leaving work early on a VERY rainy day to go visit my best friend and her daughter in the hospital in Indianapolis. It was going to be an hours drive and I was trying to pick up lunch on the way for both of us. The drive was rainy and I was low on gas. I stopped after about a half hour at a gas station to fill up my car. I had no wallet! I had left it at home. David was willing to drive with Bunny to meet me and bring me my wallet. I drove another half hour back towards Lafayette, with the last 10 minutes of the trip in danger, because my wipers had stopped working! I was nearly in tears and felt like all the signs were pointing me to give up and go home. I told David and he said "but who are the signs from?". How amazingly insightful! We traded cars (and the wiper blades worked just fine for him!) and I drove to Indy. I was about 1.5 hours later than I had hoped, but I spent meaningful time with my best friend, delivering lunch to her, toys to her daughter and offering her a much needed break from sitting watching her daughter go through 48 hours of medical testing. God was not telling me not to go - but I honestly think Satan was. We live in a spiritual battle field and the arrows flying around us are real! It can come in all sorts of forms, but one thing is sure - Satan does not want us doing God's work and he will fight God's purpose every step of the way. In the first chapter of Job we see a fascinating exchange between God and Satan over Job - a man blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil. And Satan tests him - not only through physical loss and loss health, but through his friends who were no comfort and gave false counsel to the Lord's will. Satan attacks Jesus through the temptation in the dessert (Matt 4:1-11), in the heart of the Pharisees that sought only to praise themselves and seek His death (Matt 23), through Peter, who speaks against Christ's death (Matt 16:21-23). Following the "signs" we see will not necessarily lead us in the right direction. Following Christ always will.
But following Christ has it's own difficulties. First, it isn't easy! Matthew 16:24 & 25 "The Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake, will find it.'"
Jesus speaks about the end times and says "Then they will deliver you to tribulation and will kill you and you will be hated by all nations because of My name." (Matt 24:9)
Secondly, we cannot rely on our own understanding as to what following God looks like for each of us. Only through prayer and studying the Word of God can we know what He desires for us. Jonah was a prophet to Israel, but didn't like it when God called Him to Nineveh. Peter defends Jesus with a sword in Gethsemane. Paul hold the cloaks of those stoning Stephen with approval and persecutes the church - a Pharisee among Pharisees. Abraham lays with Hagar thinking that he can produce his own heir. Saul, called by God to be the first king of Israel ends up consulting witches in His effort to keep his crown, when the Lord has ordained David to take his place.
We are called to follow the Lord, whereever He leads us, trusting in Him to bring us through. It isn't for us to choose our own path, even when "serving Him". Because if we are only serving God on our terms, then we are serving ourselves. It is pure arrogance to think we understand the Lord's greater plan for our lives and the lives of those around us. We are all lead through various seasons and struggles. Who are we to consider ourselves to be in control? Who am I, to lean on my own understanding?
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."
Ealier in Proverbs we are told that wise men seek council, seek learning and cry out for discernment. We are not to travel this journey alone. We are not to try to figure this all out on our own. Not even with the Scriptures by our side! None of us completely understand the Word of the Lord. One of my favorite slogans I've seen on bumper stickers and t-shirts is "Wise men still seek Him". It's usually seen around Christmas, with a picture of magi traveling beneath a start, but it is true of every believer.
Wise men (and women) seek Him first. Wise christians use all of God's blessings in scripture, biblical instruction, christian fellowship, and prayer with the Lord to discern His will. In a world that values nothing more than the self-made man - it is truly the humble who are willing to seek Him first.
There are many areas of my life to examine - marriage, work, school, parenting, friendship, family (non-immediate), service to the church. Each of these must be laid bare before His throne, offered up with no strings attached, for Him to guide me. Dear readers - pray for me. Pray that I could humble myself and let go of my plan, to hear His plan for me. Pray that I would be willing to go the distance, no matter how the powers of hell try to distract me. Pray that I would seek His face in all things.
The road is narrow, but He promises to strengthen us, encourage us and carry us through the journey - to the praise of His glorious grace! Philipians 4:19 - And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Thanks be to God!
But following Christ has it's own difficulties. First, it isn't easy! Matthew 16:24 & 25 "The Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake, will find it.'"
Jesus speaks about the end times and says "Then they will deliver you to tribulation and will kill you and you will be hated by all nations because of My name." (Matt 24:9)
Secondly, we cannot rely on our own understanding as to what following God looks like for each of us. Only through prayer and studying the Word of God can we know what He desires for us. Jonah was a prophet to Israel, but didn't like it when God called Him to Nineveh. Peter defends Jesus with a sword in Gethsemane. Paul hold the cloaks of those stoning Stephen with approval and persecutes the church - a Pharisee among Pharisees. Abraham lays with Hagar thinking that he can produce his own heir. Saul, called by God to be the first king of Israel ends up consulting witches in His effort to keep his crown, when the Lord has ordained David to take his place.
We are called to follow the Lord, whereever He leads us, trusting in Him to bring us through. It isn't for us to choose our own path, even when "serving Him". Because if we are only serving God on our terms, then we are serving ourselves. It is pure arrogance to think we understand the Lord's greater plan for our lives and the lives of those around us. We are all lead through various seasons and struggles. Who are we to consider ourselves to be in control? Who am I, to lean on my own understanding?
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."
Ealier in Proverbs we are told that wise men seek council, seek learning and cry out for discernment. We are not to travel this journey alone. We are not to try to figure this all out on our own. Not even with the Scriptures by our side! None of us completely understand the Word of the Lord. One of my favorite slogans I've seen on bumper stickers and t-shirts is "Wise men still seek Him". It's usually seen around Christmas, with a picture of magi traveling beneath a start, but it is true of every believer.
Wise men (and women) seek Him first. Wise christians use all of God's blessings in scripture, biblical instruction, christian fellowship, and prayer with the Lord to discern His will. In a world that values nothing more than the self-made man - it is truly the humble who are willing to seek Him first.
There are many areas of my life to examine - marriage, work, school, parenting, friendship, family (non-immediate), service to the church. Each of these must be laid bare before His throne, offered up with no strings attached, for Him to guide me. Dear readers - pray for me. Pray that I could humble myself and let go of my plan, to hear His plan for me. Pray that I would be willing to go the distance, no matter how the powers of hell try to distract me. Pray that I would seek His face in all things.
The road is narrow, but He promises to strengthen us, encourage us and carry us through the journey - to the praise of His glorious grace! Philipians 4:19 - And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Thanks be to God!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Insecurity and Pride - A double edged sword
"Now, may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word." 2 Thes. 2:4
Go back to the disappearing ledge, looking out to oblivion. Why do we need to jump? Why can't we simply fall gracefully into the arms of our Savior? Because He tells us to come to Him. Christ says "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30 There is an active pursuit of rest required of us. In my desperation of seeing the chasm between who I am and who I want to be grow moment by moment, there is the need to jump to Him. To pursue Him. In Hebrews 4:16, we are told "Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." We go to Him.
So where do insecurity and pride fit in? Well, my insecurity is based in my desire to be better than I am. To feel a lack of confidence in who God made me to be and WORK in my own STRENGTH to be more. This is simply pride turned inside out. Instead of being proud and resting in my own strength, I am working through my insecurity to find something else I can be proud about. Either way, I am refusing to rest in the One that gives me strength. Either way, I am wrapped up in the s-factor (self) instead of running to my Savior.
When I feel criticized or marginalized (or the single greatest fear of mine - unnecessary) I start to examine myself, to find my flaws and fix them, that I would never be criticized or forgotten again. I try to make myself indispensable. I try to work out my anger or hurt and use it to fuel action. And this is so backwards from God's design.
Have you seen an exhausted three year old try to climb the stairs? They seem to melt on each step, crying as they walk, as if the very act hurts them. Yet, when you bend down to pick them up, they cry louder, saying "I can do it!" So often, that is where I take my frustration and exhaustion. I keep trudging up the stairs, while God shakes His head at me, knowing the rest I am ignoring in His arms. In Hebrews we are given a warning, "Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience." (Heb 4:11). Here the author refers to two different types of rest simultaneously - the rest Joshua was trying to lead Israel to and the rest that comes from obedience to the call of Christ. His eternal rest. For those who disobeyed and ignored the Word of the Lord, they could not enter His rest. While His rest is available to all who believe, we must enter His rest. We must go to Him.
Both my insecurity and my pride have prevented me from this time and time again. I spoke last time of my hopeless confessions. These confessions come from the insecurity of seeing myself for who I really am, but thinking that God sees me that way as well. I am living each day in a works based theology, although I say that I believe I have been saved by grace. I see the works that I have done well and feel worthy. When I see areas of struggle, sin or just plain lack of giftedness, I feel ashamed and lacking. Romans 9:20 says "On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" In 1 Corinthians we are told that God has placed us in the body as He desired. (1 Cor 12:18) In my insecurity, I am telling God that He didn't make me right. That I don't like the gifts He has given me and I want different ones (or more gifts) to feel worthy. In my pride, I am telling God that I can bring my works to Him as payment for His pleasure. Both look to the cross of Christ, at His death and say - I don't want Your sacrifce on my behalf. And yet, 2 Corinthians 5:21 states "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on your behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
Think of a basketball player. The world judges them on how many baksets they make. They train and practice and the crowd cheers with every shot they make and groan at all the ones they miss. Christ, in His grace, calls us to something so much greater than that. He calls us to train and practice and grow in our walk with Him (Phil 1:6, Heb 12:1-3, 1 Cor. 9: 24-27). And yet, God views us as if we were wearing the righteousness of Christ. Colossians 1:22 says, "Yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach." I can serve God with all that is in me, because He has given me all of Himself.
What does a humbled life of service look like? Well, it looks like Christ.
What does it look like for me to live a life of humble service? That is what I hope to discover.
Go back to the disappearing ledge, looking out to oblivion. Why do we need to jump? Why can't we simply fall gracefully into the arms of our Savior? Because He tells us to come to Him. Christ says "Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30 There is an active pursuit of rest required of us. In my desperation of seeing the chasm between who I am and who I want to be grow moment by moment, there is the need to jump to Him. To pursue Him. In Hebrews 4:16, we are told "Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may received mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." We go to Him.
So where do insecurity and pride fit in? Well, my insecurity is based in my desire to be better than I am. To feel a lack of confidence in who God made me to be and WORK in my own STRENGTH to be more. This is simply pride turned inside out. Instead of being proud and resting in my own strength, I am working through my insecurity to find something else I can be proud about. Either way, I am refusing to rest in the One that gives me strength. Either way, I am wrapped up in the s-factor (self) instead of running to my Savior.
When I feel criticized or marginalized (or the single greatest fear of mine - unnecessary) I start to examine myself, to find my flaws and fix them, that I would never be criticized or forgotten again. I try to make myself indispensable. I try to work out my anger or hurt and use it to fuel action. And this is so backwards from God's design.
Have you seen an exhausted three year old try to climb the stairs? They seem to melt on each step, crying as they walk, as if the very act hurts them. Yet, when you bend down to pick them up, they cry louder, saying "I can do it!" So often, that is where I take my frustration and exhaustion. I keep trudging up the stairs, while God shakes His head at me, knowing the rest I am ignoring in His arms. In Hebrews we are given a warning, "Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience." (Heb 4:11). Here the author refers to two different types of rest simultaneously - the rest Joshua was trying to lead Israel to and the rest that comes from obedience to the call of Christ. His eternal rest. For those who disobeyed and ignored the Word of the Lord, they could not enter His rest. While His rest is available to all who believe, we must enter His rest. We must go to Him.
Both my insecurity and my pride have prevented me from this time and time again. I spoke last time of my hopeless confessions. These confessions come from the insecurity of seeing myself for who I really am, but thinking that God sees me that way as well. I am living each day in a works based theology, although I say that I believe I have been saved by grace. I see the works that I have done well and feel worthy. When I see areas of struggle, sin or just plain lack of giftedness, I feel ashamed and lacking. Romans 9:20 says "On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this', will it?" In 1 Corinthians we are told that God has placed us in the body as He desired. (1 Cor 12:18) In my insecurity, I am telling God that He didn't make me right. That I don't like the gifts He has given me and I want different ones (or more gifts) to feel worthy. In my pride, I am telling God that I can bring my works to Him as payment for His pleasure. Both look to the cross of Christ, at His death and say - I don't want Your sacrifce on my behalf. And yet, 2 Corinthians 5:21 states "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on your behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
Think of a basketball player. The world judges them on how many baksets they make. They train and practice and the crowd cheers with every shot they make and groan at all the ones they miss. Christ, in His grace, calls us to something so much greater than that. He calls us to train and practice and grow in our walk with Him (Phil 1:6, Heb 12:1-3, 1 Cor. 9: 24-27). And yet, God views us as if we were wearing the righteousness of Christ. Colossians 1:22 says, "Yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach." I can serve God with all that is in me, because He has given me all of Himself.
What does a humbled life of service look like? Well, it looks like Christ.
What does it look like for me to live a life of humble service? That is what I hope to discover.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The S Factor
At my recent birthday party, I chose a bowling name for myself "The S Factor". This name was based on me, Susan. What has struck me so completely, is that the S-Factor that seems to plague my very existence, is the other "S" or "self". Yes, my "self" factor has so completely dominated my life that I wasn't able to identify it without the support of one of my best friends Faithdare or my husband. Thanks to them both for setting me on this journey.
We are all made in the image of God, having multifaceted gifts and talents, all from Him, for Him and by Him. (Gen 1:26-27, Eph 4:11-16) He has created us with purpose and designed each of us to be unique, and yet somehow I have become wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do - or who I was supposed to be. I have forgotten the beautiful words in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."
This was all made very clear to me last night, when I realized, I think for the first time ever in my life, that the sin of pride and the sin of insecurity are the same thing. Pride and I have wrestled for a long time together and I have continually felt like it had the upper hand. While I pour myself before the cross, sincerely stating "More of You, Lord, and less of me", my thoughts and actions state the exact opossite. I cry out like Paul "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) I know the very sin that I am waring with has been conquered once and for all with Christ's death on the cross, yet rather than living in victory, I find myself perpetually tending towards a life of shame and hopeless confession.
And with the very typing of the words, the weight that presses upon me feels slightly lifted. I have been able to admit my failing with just a few simple key strokes - I live in shame and hopelessness, even though the crown is stretched out before me.
Without children, I may not have ever realized just how appropriate the father/child analogy is for God. However, blessed with three, I see more of myself in their actions and can only imagine my heavenly Father shaking His head at me asking "Do you get? Do you see?"
Just yesterday, one of my sons sat down infront of the sofa, backside on the floor, arms pressing down on the floor to support himself, with both legs up on the sofa. As he pushed up with his arms, he kicked his feet. It looked like so much work! I had no idea what he was even trying to do, so I asked him. His response, "I'm trying to get on the sofa." My husband, having missed my question, came in and easily sat down next to my son's feet, still kicking. I asked my son, "Isn't the way Daddy got on the sofa easier?" My son smiled at me and said, "Yes". He then turned his attention back to his project, which eventually lead to losing his balance and crashing to the floor in a heap.
I am just as ridiculous. I see the ease with which one can approach the Father and yet I smile and continue to flail about in the most ungraceful and unproductive waste of energy that leaves me exhausted, injured and in a heap. While I watched my son, I did not interfere. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being amused by his futile attempt to get on the sofa in a new and different way. It was simply that I understood he knew how to get on the sofa and when his little experiment was over, he would go ahead and sit down the right way. I really think that is how God has been approaching me. As a believer, I do KNOW how to approach my Father and I know what rest and peace awaits me. And yet, I choose to flail about. I choose to exhaust myself in a truly nonsensical way. For what? Well, like Frank Sinatra, we all want to do it our own way.
This is where simple pride comes in. From the very beginning of time, pride has been the divider between God and the created beings. In Isaiah 13 and 14 we read of the pride of Babylon, looking to ascend into heaven and raise a throne above the Lord. In Genesis 3, the woman looks to make herself wise, rather than obey the Word of the Lord and eats of the tree of knowledge. In this act, along with the man taking the fruit and eating, all of mankind is driven out of community with God. John writes in 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lustof the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not of the Father, but is from the world." And at the very end of it all, Babylon is said to experience tormet and mourning to the same degree she glorified herself. (Rev 18:7) Scripture is filled with the strong response of the Lord to those who are proud. In Mark 7:21-23, Christ equates pride with murder and other evil acts that "proceed from within and defile a man". Verse after verse, passage after passage, the sin of pride is addressed. And yet, the pride of self permeates our being.
In my own proud way, I thought I was making up some ground in this whole pride issue, when I saw a shift in my thinking. Instead of being proud, I now felt more insecure than I ever had in my life. I questioned my place in this life and my worth. I knew that nothing I brought on my own had any value and I wrestled with huge feelings of inadequacy. I didn't want to be needy. I missed my pride. I missed my confidence. I found myself easily angered and hurt - wounded frequently by those around me. Those who I knew to love me. Maybe I wasn't loveable. Maybe they had seen me for who I knew myself to be - nothing. My outer shell was slowly being chipped away and I knew that when the shell finally cracked, nothing would be left but air. Emptiness.
I was a sham, a fraud and while I had known this for awhile, I felt like other people were starting to pick up on it too. It was only a matter of time before they saw just how nothing I was and would leave me. Fearful of abandonment, I wanted to be better - to do more - to fix myself. And yet, the more I wanted to fix myself, the more I saw broken. The more I saw how far I would need to go. The gap was growing wider every moment and worse yet, the ground I was standing on was shrinking. Imagine a ledge that plunges to oblivion and where you stand looking out into the emptiness slowly dwindles. Soon, there will be nothing to do but fall.
Unless you jump.
We are all made in the image of God, having multifaceted gifts and talents, all from Him, for Him and by Him. (Gen 1:26-27, Eph 4:11-16) He has created us with purpose and designed each of us to be unique, and yet somehow I have become wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do - or who I was supposed to be. I have forgotten the beautiful words in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."
This was all made very clear to me last night, when I realized, I think for the first time ever in my life, that the sin of pride and the sin of insecurity are the same thing. Pride and I have wrestled for a long time together and I have continually felt like it had the upper hand. While I pour myself before the cross, sincerely stating "More of You, Lord, and less of me", my thoughts and actions state the exact opossite. I cry out like Paul "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) I know the very sin that I am waring with has been conquered once and for all with Christ's death on the cross, yet rather than living in victory, I find myself perpetually tending towards a life of shame and hopeless confession.
And with the very typing of the words, the weight that presses upon me feels slightly lifted. I have been able to admit my failing with just a few simple key strokes - I live in shame and hopelessness, even though the crown is stretched out before me.
Without children, I may not have ever realized just how appropriate the father/child analogy is for God. However, blessed with three, I see more of myself in their actions and can only imagine my heavenly Father shaking His head at me asking "Do you get? Do you see?"
Just yesterday, one of my sons sat down infront of the sofa, backside on the floor, arms pressing down on the floor to support himself, with both legs up on the sofa. As he pushed up with his arms, he kicked his feet. It looked like so much work! I had no idea what he was even trying to do, so I asked him. His response, "I'm trying to get on the sofa." My husband, having missed my question, came in and easily sat down next to my son's feet, still kicking. I asked my son, "Isn't the way Daddy got on the sofa easier?" My son smiled at me and said, "Yes". He then turned his attention back to his project, which eventually lead to losing his balance and crashing to the floor in a heap.
I am just as ridiculous. I see the ease with which one can approach the Father and yet I smile and continue to flail about in the most ungraceful and unproductive waste of energy that leaves me exhausted, injured and in a heap. While I watched my son, I did not interfere. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being amused by his futile attempt to get on the sofa in a new and different way. It was simply that I understood he knew how to get on the sofa and when his little experiment was over, he would go ahead and sit down the right way. I really think that is how God has been approaching me. As a believer, I do KNOW how to approach my Father and I know what rest and peace awaits me. And yet, I choose to flail about. I choose to exhaust myself in a truly nonsensical way. For what? Well, like Frank Sinatra, we all want to do it our own way.
This is where simple pride comes in. From the very beginning of time, pride has been the divider between God and the created beings. In Isaiah 13 and 14 we read of the pride of Babylon, looking to ascend into heaven and raise a throne above the Lord. In Genesis 3, the woman looks to make herself wise, rather than obey the Word of the Lord and eats of the tree of knowledge. In this act, along with the man taking the fruit and eating, all of mankind is driven out of community with God. John writes in 1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, the lustof the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not of the Father, but is from the world." And at the very end of it all, Babylon is said to experience tormet and mourning to the same degree she glorified herself. (Rev 18:7) Scripture is filled with the strong response of the Lord to those who are proud. In Mark 7:21-23, Christ equates pride with murder and other evil acts that "proceed from within and defile a man". Verse after verse, passage after passage, the sin of pride is addressed. And yet, the pride of self permeates our being.
In my own proud way, I thought I was making up some ground in this whole pride issue, when I saw a shift in my thinking. Instead of being proud, I now felt more insecure than I ever had in my life. I questioned my place in this life and my worth. I knew that nothing I brought on my own had any value and I wrestled with huge feelings of inadequacy. I didn't want to be needy. I missed my pride. I missed my confidence. I found myself easily angered and hurt - wounded frequently by those around me. Those who I knew to love me. Maybe I wasn't loveable. Maybe they had seen me for who I knew myself to be - nothing. My outer shell was slowly being chipped away and I knew that when the shell finally cracked, nothing would be left but air. Emptiness.
I was a sham, a fraud and while I had known this for awhile, I felt like other people were starting to pick up on it too. It was only a matter of time before they saw just how nothing I was and would leave me. Fearful of abandonment, I wanted to be better - to do more - to fix myself. And yet, the more I wanted to fix myself, the more I saw broken. The more I saw how far I would need to go. The gap was growing wider every moment and worse yet, the ground I was standing on was shrinking. Imagine a ledge that plunges to oblivion and where you stand looking out into the emptiness slowly dwindles. Soon, there will be nothing to do but fall.
Unless you jump.
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