Today is September 14th and should mark the last day of my grandmother's cancer treatment. Instead, we are eight weeks into the process and only have four weeks of treatment completed. Three weeks ago Tuesday, Nana was moved to the hospital with a fever and seemingly perpetual vomiting. We have since found out she had a large ulcer just below her stomach that I am sure was inflaming the vomiting. The lack of nutrition and strength remains a factor that made what we thought would be a quick hospital trip into nearly a month of delays, questions, downward spirals and small improvements. She is now at Kindred, a beautiful rehab facility, stable but silent and Monday we will speak to the oncologist to find out next steps.
September 14th was a date we were counting down to and it looks very different than we ever imagined. It is hard not to feel defeated in a small way. It is harder still to ignore the reality that we are not in charge and this process will not submit to our schedule and preconceived ideas.
For me, there is a difficulty where my faith is being tested and tried and I find myself lacking. 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." Why am I fearful of the future if I am being perfected in love? Why do I associated difficulty with punishment, like Job's friends, instead of knowing that God is perfecting my faith? "And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:4)
Last night Mom and I were on the phone, talking about the very real difficulty we experience processing this stage of our lives. We are so limited in our perspective and cannot yet see how God is using this to our good and for His glory. But His nature, eternal and unchanging, means that He has already gone before us, is on the other side, and walks each step beside us in His perfect love. Our minds cannot comprehend how He is truly timeless and limitless, but I have seen it in these past 3 months. From the very first trip to the hospital till our non-anniversary today, I have seen how God is personally comforting, encouraging, growing and meeting all of our individual needs in a very personal way. Yet, He remains over all things, Creator and upholding all things by the word of His power. (Hebrews 1:3) I cannot comprehend this infinite and personal God, as in my own tiny sphere, I have lost track of areas of my life, lost contact with friends and felt pulled in so many different directions. If I can't keep my little piece of the world turning, how can God keep all of our lives so perfectly in His hand? I don't know how He does it - but I am absolutely confident that He is actively doing it - with the power of the Almighty Creator and the love of our Eternal Father.
September 14th will not mark the end of Nana's cancer treatment. But it is another day the Lord has given us all to experience His sufficiency. It is another day to choose to believe Him instead of the lies in my head and heart. It is another day to cast of fear and be surrounded by His love.
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)
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