Identity 101

Ok- they say confession is good for the soul, so here is some soul healing honesty.

As much as I have delighted in my new life, when confronted with an opportunity to step back into the life-draining madness, I was tempted. With an odd turn of events, my position at my old job is now vacant again at an inopportune time and needed someone to step in on a part time basis ASAP. People began to pass my name around as a temporary solution and it felt great to be needed. It felt great to be pursued. But the decision maker in this whole situation had been silent. My old boss (whom I felt I always had a good relationship) was being extremely tight-lipped about the whole thing and I have spent the last 8 days wondering "will he call me?". This had the emotional weight of a ton of bricks and I have spent the past week sleepless, anxious and quick to anger with my kids and husband. My whole mind was preoccupied with "what-if" scenarios on what could happen and how I would react.

As happy as I was and as miserable as I had been in my old job, the possibility that I would be called on to come save the day captivated my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to function normally.

Why? Why did I feel this way?

Truth is said to set us free, but truth about ourselves brings freedom at the cost of our pride. I cannot experience the freedom of my identity in Christ without also experience the pain of stepping away from myself. In the epic Psalm 119, the author writes " This has become mine, that I observe Your precepts. The Lord is my portion; I have promised to keep Your words. I sought Your favor with all my heart" (vs 56-58a).

"This has become mine" - for all the Lord of the Rings lovers out there, you should be hearing the voice of Gollum in your head - or Frodo - or Biblo. Any keeper of the ring starts speaking of it as "my own, my precious." What is so easily identified as an idol in a movie or book, is so hard to identify in ourselves. The ring was shiny and gold and indeed had great value. It was precious. It was captivating. It became all consuming to anyone who had possession of it.

But the Psalmest speaks the same way of the Word of the Lord and of his God. "This has become mine", "The Lord is my portion", in verse 72 "Your law is more precious to me than a thousand pieces of gold and silver" and in verse 127 "Therefore I love Your commandments, above gold, yes above fine gold."

What was so precious about that job - it was mine. My own. I claimed ownership of it and I would have let it destroy me into a shadow of my true self had it not been for God's merciful grace and truth spoken to me from those I love.

Identity in Christ is both the easiest and hardest task all at the same time. There is great freedom in not earning your standing and great humility in accepting that gift. I am called to claim my inheritance and must accept the truth of my empty hands. I am the child of the King, but not chosen for my gifts or talents - solely chosen by His desire and His love.

Hallelujah - it's not on me.
But wait a minute....it's not about me.....

There will be no phone call asking me to save the day. God has removed the temptation and given me the blessing of continuing in this new walk of life without interruption of the stress and workload of my previous job. It is not mine anymore.....

But I am His. And He is using this time for His purposes through lavish grace upon me. Life will not always be so charmed, but I am always His. I wish I could say that the Psalmist and I share those words. I want to - but I am still dying to myself - dying to the shiny things of this life - dying to all the precious distractions that draw my wandering eye from Him.

The Lord is my portion.
What joy awaits us when we can embrace that truth.....