Righteous, not correct

I've been having nightmares all week and I don't really know why. The nightmares are really bad - they make me fully wake up and I can remember them long after I'm awake. The images disturb me as I try to fall back asleep and this morning, sleep ended long before 5am.

But once awake, a different thought bothered me. Yesterday I was reprimanded for something I didn't do. A coworker went to my boss's boss and complained about me for something I didn't do. I was professional on the phone, but I was angry in my heart. This morning, awakened by another nightmare, that anger began to stew. I began to practice what I would say to this coworker later today on the phone.

My mom once told me that I had the gift of a quick tongue - I could use it for good and build people up or I could use it to destroy others. I was only 11 or 12 at the time and no idea how many times her words would come back to me. This morning, in my stewing anger, I put all my effort into constructing the most professional venom I could possibly deliver. I crafted a speech that was 100% truthful, 100% professional and absolutely destructive to this individual. I knew what words to say that would linger in their minds long after our conversation was over. I knew how to make them hurt. I could make them feel guilty. I could make them insecure.

And I wanted to.....

God wouldn't give me peace in this state and as I tried to start my to-do list this morning, I felt like I had to begin with a quiet time no matter how long my list was for the day. I knew that God had a word for me. And He did.

Proverbs 15:33 "The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom and before honor comes humility."

Ouch.

The whole proverb focuses on the folly of the wicked and the damage of harsh, angry words. The proverb talks about how "the Lord loves the one who pursues righteousness" and says "a hot tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute" (vs 9b and vs18).

God's word cuts into my heart even more than the horrible speech I was planning to give. It became exceedingly obvious what the issue was - I cared more about being correct than being righteous. I cared more about having others know that I was right, than being right in God's eyes. I cared more about my glory, than living for His.

I was right but my anger was not a righteous anger. It was vicious and mean. It was filled with my hurt and my own insecurity. (How could they not see how right I was? Why would they paint such a false picture of my work, when I've done so well? Are they trying to make me look bad to my superiors?)

Before my honor, needed to come my humility. It was clear God did not want me taking a stand on being correct, but rather pursue His righteousness - a path of peace. I am so thankful that God's word is living and active. It knows the intentions of my heart and reveals the true nature of my sin. And from this place of confession there is great comfort. I can echo with the Psalmist "Return O Lord and rescue my soul, save me because of Your lovingkindness." (Psalm 6:4)

I don't need to stay angry and hurt and insecure. And I don't need to cover myself in sack cloth and ashes when I see my fallen nature rise up within me. I can rest in the comfort of God's love for me and be thankful for His presence, which guides me to a path of righteousness even my feet are trying to wander from Him. His word is not meant to crush, but to revive our souls and bring healing.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

Shine, Jesus, Shine.