There is so much that can be said about this amazing woman that I'm not even going to try to explain how rich her faith was and how she lived her life with great wisdom and courage.
As I have approached the anniversary of her passing there has been a great urge in me to shout up to heaven - "do you see? Do you see all the ways I've grown in the last two years? Are you proud of me?" This isn't about words unsaid - we didn't have any of those. Nana kept short accounts, said I love you often and we had great confidence all the way to the end that Jesus was carrying her home. It's not about trying to prove that I could live up to her standard. First, I wouldn't try - she lived ready to take on anything, at anytime, with bravery that still leaves me breathless. But she didn't measure people against her standard - instead she encouraged her loved ones to live a life of obedience to Gods unique call for them.
I want her to see that I've been brave enough to live into that change, to redefine my life, to take my pride and indentity issues head on and to walk into the unknown. Like she did.....
I want her to know that her example has been with me more in these past two years than the previous 10 - and not because she is gone - but because of how she lived each day on this earth. I want her to know that I watched and listened and absorbed her teaching and it has served me well.
But then again, I think how selfish that view of Heaven is for me to take. She is standing with God Almighty, in the presence of her Savior and the full heavenly hosts - the last thing I want her thinking about is me. In the span of eternity, the difference between when she passed and when I will see her again is just a blink. These days we live missing her can drag on for us, but for her, then sun has yet to set...it's always the first day she arrived. Two years hasn't passed for her - she is now in the infinite time spectrum that we can't even understand.
In all I read about heaven, it doesn't really make sense for her to be able to look down on us - she is in a place that is free from sin and guilt and earth and pain - why would she look down to watch us slogging through the day to day when her eyes are fixed on the throne of God?
I think we talk about loved ones looking down on us to bring us some sense of comfort and an idea of their presence. But if heaven is all that I think it is - all the Jesus promised to us - then the separation between us and them has to be more than a few puffy white clouds. This is the glory we are waiting for. This is the destination that we sourjourn to. This is that eternal promise land that is WAY beyond the Jordan.
One day I will stand beside her in the glory of the King and we will sing all her favorite hymns together. I have to settle for missing her now - hearing her words in my head and seeing her face in pictures. Hearing her "Nana whistle" come out of my children's mouths when they are concentrating. I have to settle for knowing that all of my days will be influenced by her, no matter how long I live. That's what it means to love and be loved.
I am forever blessed by her presence in my life - and while I may think to myself "Nana would've loved that" when I watch the Yankees play or watch the leaves begin to turn - she's got the greatest view of all - cause right now, she's seeing Jesus.
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