This won't be pretty...

After more than three years of feeling trapped and one dimensional from my job, I was given an amazing gift of time. The Lord directed me to quit my life and begin again, with new levels of freedom, previously unimagined. My plan never would have been this gracious, this generous, this extravagant. I would have asked for so much less.

But from the very moment it all came together, I knew that the Lord was wanting me to do something with this time. I knew He wanted more for me. But what was it? I asked for a word - a sign - a mission. Something to be passionate about that had nothing to do with me. I prayed for His leading and He faithfully gave me His word. He told me to pursue others - to dig deep into them, the way I have desired for people to pursue me. More than "hi" and a smile. More than Facebook stalking. Real pursuit of relationship. He said to me - go give it to others and don't worry about yourself. Let Me meet your needs.

Well, here is where it gets ugly. First, when I start opening myself up to others, I find so many places that I have let myself forget real need; real hurt; and real pain. I am the one who has been surface-y and shallow. But wait..there's more...

In my new found free time, I found that work had left bigger holes than expected. Holes that are meant to be filled by Him. Angie Smith writes in her book, "Chasing God", "Religion is what we build with our own hands when we can't stand to feel like observers. And when in crumbles we blame God." Stepping away from work and my old life showed me how much was built with my own hands. The crumbling process left me feel like I myself was falling apart.

I was experiencing the emptiness of hollow religion in those small gaps in my life outside of work - substituting actions for true substance. It was easier to schedule more tasks than to rest. It was easier to teach than to listen. It was easier to serve than to grow. I was blaming God for not feeling His presence in the midst of all I was doing. But the real issue was my heart, hardened against His Spirit which wanted me to stop working and start listening.

This transition into a new life will not be pretty. Old scars will be uncovered. Strongholds will be confronted. Idols will be smashed and I will have to abandon my throne. Not just for the sake a saying the key words, underlying the seminal Psalms and raising my hands at the right times in worship. No...this has to be deeper. Because that is what this gift was for. It wasn't to provide new places for me to go out, but for Him to pour in to the emptiness of my soul. The amazing part is - He saw my need and met it. He sees my hurt and wants to heal it. I have been running, but all of this time, He has been pursuing me. And now, finally, I can begin the conversation with Him in the stillness and quiet of His presence.

Amazing love, how can it be?