Where do we go?

I haven't blogged in awhile and the truth is, I haven't had it together enough to do so. You see, I've looked at this blog as a place where my searching yields some fruit of understanding, depth, encouragement, growth or some other proof that I am no longer who I once was. The title of the blog "I Need A Savior" actually proves the length of my pride. See, I know that we are supposed to have the right balance of self-deprecation and humor. I know we are supposed to carry that balanced load of guilt and shame and freedom. We thank God for His grace and cry "Lord have mercy" all in the same breath.

No, this blog was the place I could spout off my wisdom with a "life lesson" and the right number of biblical citations to show a) I'm legit and b) I'm right - the Bible says so.....

This blog really was a stage - see my transparency and authenticity world? See how God is working in me? Maybe if you read this you will be encouraged that He can work in you too. And maybe, just maybe, someone might feel that work through ...wait for it...my words!!! Wow!!! Could it be?

Now, I do believe that an atheist reading the Word of God could bring people to Christ - it has little to do with us in the end. The heavens tell the glory of God and the rocks would cry out if we were silent. Surely the God of all the universe does not need my (or anyone's) eloquence to win people to Him. The problem really isn't the words themselves and I'm not saying everything I wrote was rubbish. I do believe the Word of God and I do believe I am a work in progress. And there are things I have shared here that very much are the real experience of my spiritual journey. The problem was not the words. The problem was my heart. Just like the atheist can't strip away the power of the gospel with his unbelief, my pride does not make God's word less true.

It's just a little empty here if I feel I need to have it all together first. Like cleaning your house before the cleaning lady comes, there's a part of me that needs to have the solution before I allow to admit I have the problem. This blog is less about God actively working and more of a history of what He has already done. Once I came to have a clearer picture of it....once I could figure it out in my own head and heart. And that's not what I need right now.

I'm in a new place and I can't keep coming back to the old. I'm hearing things I haven't heard before and I need to stop translating them into a framework that used to make sense to me. It's uncomfortable and a little sticky and that's just how it needs to be right now.

In the movie "The Avengers" Loki gives a little speech on how humans are meant to be ruled and that freedom is really the problem with humanity. Captain America comes in a kicks some tail showing just how wrong that is, because we love to hear about our right to freedom and individuality. It works well with our pride. Our identity revolves around our passions and desires.

But Loki is right on target - we were made to be ruled by God and to live in His will. We were made to be subjected to Him, trusting Him to know best and to provide the best. We were meant to cling to Him and find our identity in being His. So as He does a new thing in me and I try to stuff it back into my old framework of thinking, things get off course. I'm in a new place and that means truly leaving the old behind.

At the end of the day, this new things He is bringing about in me isn't about me at all. It's for Him, by Him, through Him and to Him. I'm not really sure how that plays out in the midst of dirty dishes and piles of laundry. It didn't feel that new arguing with my husband yesterday and watching my son angrily stomp off away from me after dinner. And while I am totally convinced that God called me to give up alcohol, all I really want right now is a large glass of red wine. His new thing is having to be pretty patient as I figure this out.

If you read this blog, you can expect more questions...more grit...and probably a few more tears. But it just isn't worth it to try to write about where God was anymore - especially when I really want to know where He is taking me.