Changing us one small prayer at a time....

Yesterday my husband had a bad day at work. Not uncommon for many people, but it is really unusual for him to describe his day as "bad" because he loves his job and sees it as his gifting and ministry. I received a two brief texts during his 12+ hour shift that communicated how busy he was. He didn't get time for lunch and got home after midnight. His last text to me, before he went to bed, told me that he needed to sleep in because he was wasted. It was "a really bad day". 

I spent a great part of yesterday praying for him, knowing he was having a rough time at work. His job is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding, surrounded by difficult people in hard situations and facing death on a regular basis. I cannot fathom what "a really bad day" would be. But I knew I needed to be praying. I couldn't be there for him and there was nothing I could bring on his behalf. I had no awareness of what he actually needed or the specific circumstances that were hard. But I knew God was with him. I prayed to the One who intimately new exactly what he needed and had the power to provide strength and grace at the deepest levels. I prayed to the One who could supernaturally intercede on his behalf and who loves him even more than I do.

Prayer changes things - it changed me. Spending this time in prayer took my eyes off myself and my limitations. It took my eyes off the temporary hardships of this world. The more I prayed, the more I thought about the One I was talking to. Praying for David, but talking to God, reframed my powerlessness and lack of awareness of the situation. I didn't pray about what I didn't know - I prayed what I knew and believed whole heartedly - that God not only knew what David needed, but could and would and wanted to provide for him. Sometimes we approach prayer thinking God is holding out on us and we need to beg him for it - that's how I prayed most of the time David was deployed in Iraq....like God could have brought him home sooner but I just didn't pray hard enough. But prayer changes us. 

 2  COR 5: 14- 17 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

The new which has come lives for Christ and is being continually changed from the old flesh to newness in Christ. God loves and cares for my husband, whether I pray for him or not. But when I pray for him, or pray about anything else for that matter, I live into the newness of Spirit-breathed life and step further away from the old self. My old self can only be worried or angry that David is having a difficult day. In Christ, I am trusting God to take care of him and I can have peace. My old self would add my difficult time with the kids to David's bad day and justify a surly mood and be short tempered with those around me. Through the love of Christ, I can see how patient and gracious God is with me and extend that grace to them. 

I'm not saying that prayer doesn't bring about tangible change - Jesus tells us that it does. But deepening our faith, being made more like Him, has far more eternal consequence than the momentary affliction. When we entrust what we love most to the Lord, we can love even more deeply because we leave behind the anxiety and fearfulness from our lack of control and instead love fully in light of His perfect power and sovereignty.

I have a long way to go in learning to trust, but I am so thankful to see the the fruit of faith, one little prayer at a time.

If I were missing hope....

I just finished "Till We Have Faces" by CS Lewis and was absolutely blown away. First, this is an amazing piece of literature with a writing style so crisp and clean you can't help but turn every page. (Needless to say, we had take out last night because reading and cooking could not happen at the same time - and I know my priorities!) But more breathtaking and disturbing than the book itself was the review comments online. There were hundreds of reviews, many by non-Christians who were delighted by this work. CS Lewis once said in an interview that this was his favorite piece of fiction that he had ever written and many of the reviewers agreed. They appreciated it's depth and character, the classic literary style and the new twist on an ancient story. They saw characters come to life and felt the pain and joy and love. So why was this so depressing to me? Because this book is a mirror of our hearts without Christ - it is sad and pitiful and empty. It spends a life hurting and at the end, there is no redemption and one has to try to find significance in superficial things.

The heroine of this story, Orual, is followed throughout her life, with several important relationships featured. There is her father, who hates her. Her sister who makes her life miserable. Her nursemaid who makes everyone's life miserable. And then there is her sister who is the other focal point of the story - Orual loves her sister deeply. A love so violent that Orual is prepared to kill her sister in thoughts of protection - and as Orual's life continues, she realizes her love for her sister was so deeply passionate because of her jealousy - Orual admits that she would have rather seen her sister dead than happy without her. Along for the journey is an slave who serves as a grandfather. She is so close to this man and when she has the power to do so, gives him freedom. Yet he doesn't move away but rather chooses to live in continued servitude because he knows Orual is not really capable of living a mentally and emotionally balanced life without him. Finally, there is her guard, Bardia, whom she loves as a woman loves as man, yet he is married and she lives her whole life without ever telling him how she feels. She loves him and can't have him, so she causes him to spend most of his life at her side, rarely giving him opportunity to be with his wife and kids. Upon his death Bardia's wife confronts Orual on her destructive love, which kept Bardia away from his family and worked him to death. This is the first moment that Orual begins to see how destructive her love is to others.

If you haven't read the book - read the book. But I have this warning to you first. This book is a perfect mirror to how we naturally love. We love with dark passion - jealousy, lust, rage. Our love, left to its own devices, is painful to others, because in our own state, we love ourselves more than all else. We love everyone else based on what they can do for us. Yes, we are able to push those feelings away in every day life situations, but when our own happiness or security are threatened, the true nature of our love comes out and it is willing to hurt and kill and destroy. Self preservation triumphs over all.

I can read this book and be amazed by the stunning portrait of life and think, 'thanks be to God who loved me in this state - who died on a cross while I was still His enemy - who loved me the way only He can, filling the deepest desire of everyone's soul - to be loved as we are, even with all our faults and failings.' 

We are all Orual - we know we are flawed and that we would never be loved when seen for who we really are. We all veil our faces hiding our sorrow - making masks and walls to keep our emotions in and everyone else out. We all think we are loving others in our lives, but are crushed by the notion that someone we love might choose someone else above us. This horrible pride and self centered heart lives in each of us before Christ - and makes this story everyone's story. It's sad. There is no answer to the meaning of the pain. There is no resolution to a life of sorrow. In an amazing scene before the gods of the story, Orual asks her questions and realizes there are no answers. There is no hope. Without Christ, reading this story would make me want to drown in the river of my own sorrow (something Orual is prevented from doing even though she wants to). 

Why do all of these non-believers love this book? Because the knowledge of God is within each of us and I think this story awakens their hope inside. The one negative review I saw was a non-believer who couldn't connect with Orual. In her review she says that because Lewis writes the whole thing from Orual's perspective, not being able to connect to Orual means she can't connect to the story at all. Funny because I would guess that she is more like Orual than she knows and has not yet seen the destructive nature of her own flawed love. But to everyone else - I think they saw themselves and were able to hope for more. They were able to imagine being known, being loved, being chosen. They were able to picture a life where you truly belonged and didn't have to measure up anymore. While they would never call it by this name, they were able to imagine the gospel. The Good News. 

This book is call to evangelism if I ever saw one - CS Lewis is shouting - you have the longing of everyone's heart - and giving it away doesn't leave you with less, it just fills them up more. We can give away the love of Christ and never be empty: that stream of living water never runs dry. 

This book has become one of my favorite all time reads - but it remains second to another book - the call to love others and share this hope is clear in both. May God give me the courage to speak the answer to the question few are brave enough to ask. Yes, you are loved. 

Where do we go?

I haven't blogged in awhile and the truth is, I haven't had it together enough to do so. You see, I've looked at this blog as a place where my searching yields some fruit of understanding, depth, encouragement, growth or some other proof that I am no longer who I once was. The title of the blog "I Need A Savior" actually proves the length of my pride. See, I know that we are supposed to have the right balance of self-deprecation and humor. I know we are supposed to carry that balanced load of guilt and shame and freedom. We thank God for His grace and cry "Lord have mercy" all in the same breath.

No, this blog was the place I could spout off my wisdom with a "life lesson" and the right number of biblical citations to show a) I'm legit and b) I'm right - the Bible says so.....

This blog really was a stage - see my transparency and authenticity world? See how God is working in me? Maybe if you read this you will be encouraged that He can work in you too. And maybe, just maybe, someone might feel that work through ...wait for it...my words!!! Wow!!! Could it be?

Now, I do believe that an atheist reading the Word of God could bring people to Christ - it has little to do with us in the end. The heavens tell the glory of God and the rocks would cry out if we were silent. Surely the God of all the universe does not need my (or anyone's) eloquence to win people to Him. The problem really isn't the words themselves and I'm not saying everything I wrote was rubbish. I do believe the Word of God and I do believe I am a work in progress. And there are things I have shared here that very much are the real experience of my spiritual journey. The problem was not the words. The problem was my heart. Just like the atheist can't strip away the power of the gospel with his unbelief, my pride does not make God's word less true.

It's just a little empty here if I feel I need to have it all together first. Like cleaning your house before the cleaning lady comes, there's a part of me that needs to have the solution before I allow to admit I have the problem. This blog is less about God actively working and more of a history of what He has already done. Once I came to have a clearer picture of it....once I could figure it out in my own head and heart. And that's not what I need right now.

I'm in a new place and I can't keep coming back to the old. I'm hearing things I haven't heard before and I need to stop translating them into a framework that used to make sense to me. It's uncomfortable and a little sticky and that's just how it needs to be right now.

In the movie "The Avengers" Loki gives a little speech on how humans are meant to be ruled and that freedom is really the problem with humanity. Captain America comes in a kicks some tail showing just how wrong that is, because we love to hear about our right to freedom and individuality. It works well with our pride. Our identity revolves around our passions and desires.

But Loki is right on target - we were made to be ruled by God and to live in His will. We were made to be subjected to Him, trusting Him to know best and to provide the best. We were meant to cling to Him and find our identity in being His. So as He does a new thing in me and I try to stuff it back into my old framework of thinking, things get off course. I'm in a new place and that means truly leaving the old behind.

At the end of the day, this new things He is bringing about in me isn't about me at all. It's for Him, by Him, through Him and to Him. I'm not really sure how that plays out in the midst of dirty dishes and piles of laundry. It didn't feel that new arguing with my husband yesterday and watching my son angrily stomp off away from me after dinner. And while I am totally convinced that God called me to give up alcohol, all I really want right now is a large glass of red wine. His new thing is having to be pretty patient as I figure this out.

If you read this blog, you can expect more questions...more grit...and probably a few more tears. But it just isn't worth it to try to write about where God was anymore - especially when I really want to know where He is taking me.

Hide and seek

Psalm 119:114 "You are my hiding place and my shield - I wait for Your word."

This great little nugget was hidden in my quiet time today and I immediately thought, "yes Lord - oh how I need you to be a hiding place and shield for me." And then I sat with it a little longer and some images started popping into my mind.

Like in Lord of the Rings - Two Towers - where they are standing behind their tall shields looking out into the darkness and rain hearing the awful chants of the opposing army. Like when Rahab hides the spies in her roof, silently waiting under stalks of flax while the king's men question her. Like when David is hiding in the inner recesses of a cave knowing Saul is chasing him all over the land trying to kill him.

Hiding and needing a shield gives us a perspective of our normal life condition. We live a life in danger - in the presence of an enemy we are incapable of fighting on our own. This isn't a greeting card picture -  sweet sounding solace in the Lord. This is a reminder that we are needing to get behind His shield. We need to hide behind, put ourselves under, in the care of, under the protection of, in the dependence of, in hope in, with trust in....not ourselves, but Him.

This is a picture of submission...humility...faith. 

And here in this place - we wait.

We aren't immediately filled. We aren't suddenly comforted. We don't have resolution to the problem. No - we wait. We wait on Him and His word. We wait on truth. We wait on the perspective of the One who has gone before and comes behind and surrounds us with Himself.

To truly put ourselves under His care is also to trust in His timing. To believe that while the battle rages around us that we are safe with Him and in the right time He will bring clarity. 

Back to the Two Towers battle scene - the battle is loud - the sky is dark - the soldiers are muddied - it's hard to see with the rain and the darkness surrounding and all you hear is the chant of those opposing you. A shield doesn't make you immune to the battle. And it isn't all comfy cozy. 

God was with David in the darkness but it still gave David all that experience to compose Psalms of desperation and cries for help. David followed Gods command through the caves and the darkness all the way to a throne. Jesus followed God's will to a cross and to hell - all to bring us peace. All so that we could trust Him when He says, "Do not be afraid." 

It isn't wrong to need to hide or even cry out from our hiding place, oh Lord, how long? But the first step is ours - to place ourselves under His care. And be ready to wait for His word. O Lord, grant us the faith to our ourselves fully in Your care and the patience to hear Your voice in Your perfect timing. 

Praying and other terrifying activities

About a month ago I felt called to a specific prayer - Lord show me how to live in dependence on You in the every day. This was really just step 1 in a goal of being able to to listen to His voice more clearly and live each day walking in His will. By my estimation, I couldn't walk in His will without being able to discern His will and I couldn't discern His will when I lived a life that was looking to my own strength and plans and provision. Therefore - step 1 was living in daily dependence on Him.

And then it all fell apart.

I haven't blogged in nearly a month because my mind (and heart) have been such a mess, words haven't really been put together in cohesive thoughts. Now I'm not saying that this will be some beautiful example of prose, well thought out and carefully articulated. However, several devestating times of prayer and mental break down have led to terrible clarity. 

First, it was a little ridiculous for me to be shocked that life would fall apart when I stopped holding it together. I couldn't have it both ways - if I'm not trying to keep it all working, then there are going to be things that were my priorities which haven't aligned with God. Now that I was willing to listen to His ordering of my life, it's not the same order I had. At first, I translated this as a difficulty watching things remain undone or left behind. But after some adjustment I started to see some beauty and freedom in the new ordering God planned. This wasn't as straight forward as I'm making it sound - but dying to my self importance was something I had expected to confront. After all, it was my pride and desire for control which had led me to this place of not being able to hear the Lord. My own voice was too loud and it was going to be a period of eerie silence to get to a posture of listening.

Now we move into dangerous territory. Now we start to dig deeper. Like Eustace having the scales torn from his dragon body in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader, this work has to hurt. It may sound simplistic, but being a dragon actually isn't a problem. If you were made to be a dragon, then you absolutely should roar and breath fire and fly through the sky. It's what you were made to do. The problem is when you were supposed to be a boy and you end up a dragon instead. The dragon has to be torn to shreds to find the boy inside. This is the type of experience I've been living through lately. Ripping off layers and layers of the outer form to have God reveal my true self. The self He created me to be.

I was created to be dependent on Him. This prayer was good and ultimately for my good. But I wasn't walking around as an empty vessel just waiting for God to fill me up. I was dependent on other things which had to be emptied first, before I could learn to be dependent. See, I prayed a prayer I didn't actually want answered. Sure, it sounded like the Christian thing to do. I had the logic all outlined above. I might even go as far to say that the Spirit was prompting me to that prayer. But I wasn't ready for the cost. I wasn't ready to be empty. I wasn't ready to redefine my treasure. Jesus so clearly explains the nature of our hearts in Matthew 6 - our heart was made for God, but we can only hold one thing as a treasure. And whenever we treasure something other than God, we fill our hearts and turn our gaze to focus on our love, our precious.

Tim Keller reminds us in his book Counterfit Gods that we were made to worship. We as created beings are made to worship, but we choose to worship other created things above God. Lysa Tyrkhurst explains in her book Made to Crave, that we were indeed made to desire after something intensely - but we were made to crave God - not lesser things. C.S. Lewis tells us that eternity is written on our hearts and that we were made to long after something to make us whole - to long for the peace that seems to elude us in this life. 

God gave us all of these internal emotional, intellectual and spiritual prompts to point us to Him. He wants to long for Him and desire Him and worship Him. He made us to have an empty place to be filled and He alone wants to fill it. And yet - we find other things, people, relationships, expectations, distractions and lesser things. I knew that God wanted to replace these lesser things in my life with Himself, but that meant letting go.

And letting go hurts.

I'm hurting. I miss my distractions. I miss my idols. They were comfortable. They were my companions. And while they could never fill, they were safe. But now I'm empty. I'm not filled. It isn't better. It just hurts. 

I have hope in His promises - that I am a work in progress and He will faithfully bring it to completion. But right now - it's just empty. 

Identity 101

Ok- they say confession is good for the soul, so here is some soul healing honesty.

As much as I have delighted in my new life, when confronted with an opportunity to step back into the life-draining madness, I was tempted. With an odd turn of events, my position at my old job is now vacant again at an inopportune time and needed someone to step in on a part time basis ASAP. People began to pass my name around as a temporary solution and it felt great to be needed. It felt great to be pursued. But the decision maker in this whole situation had been silent. My old boss (whom I felt I always had a good relationship) was being extremely tight-lipped about the whole thing and I have spent the last 8 days wondering "will he call me?". This had the emotional weight of a ton of bricks and I have spent the past week sleepless, anxious and quick to anger with my kids and husband. My whole mind was preoccupied with "what-if" scenarios on what could happen and how I would react.

As happy as I was and as miserable as I had been in my old job, the possibility that I would be called on to come save the day captivated my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to function normally.

Why? Why did I feel this way?

Truth is said to set us free, but truth about ourselves brings freedom at the cost of our pride. I cannot experience the freedom of my identity in Christ without also experience the pain of stepping away from myself. In the epic Psalm 119, the author writes " This has become mine, that I observe Your precepts. The Lord is my portion; I have promised to keep Your words. I sought Your favor with all my heart" (vs 56-58a).

"This has become mine" - for all the Lord of the Rings lovers out there, you should be hearing the voice of Gollum in your head - or Frodo - or Biblo. Any keeper of the ring starts speaking of it as "my own, my precious." What is so easily identified as an idol in a movie or book, is so hard to identify in ourselves. The ring was shiny and gold and indeed had great value. It was precious. It was captivating. It became all consuming to anyone who had possession of it.

But the Psalmest speaks the same way of the Word of the Lord and of his God. "This has become mine", "The Lord is my portion", in verse 72 "Your law is more precious to me than a thousand pieces of gold and silver" and in verse 127 "Therefore I love Your commandments, above gold, yes above fine gold."

What was so precious about that job - it was mine. My own. I claimed ownership of it and I would have let it destroy me into a shadow of my true self had it not been for God's merciful grace and truth spoken to me from those I love.

Identity in Christ is both the easiest and hardest task all at the same time. There is great freedom in not earning your standing and great humility in accepting that gift. I am called to claim my inheritance and must accept the truth of my empty hands. I am the child of the King, but not chosen for my gifts or talents - solely chosen by His desire and His love.

Hallelujah - it's not on me.
But wait a minute....it's not about me.....

There will be no phone call asking me to save the day. God has removed the temptation and given me the blessing of continuing in this new walk of life without interruption of the stress and workload of my previous job. It is not mine anymore.....

But I am His. And He is using this time for His purposes through lavish grace upon me. Life will not always be so charmed, but I am always His. I wish I could say that the Psalmist and I share those words. I want to - but I am still dying to myself - dying to the shiny things of this life - dying to all the precious distractions that draw my wandering eye from Him.

The Lord is my portion.
What joy awaits us when we can embrace that truth.....

Its not nothing....

God has put me in a pretty weird place right now. In a near miraculous form, I was removed from an insane workload that had me stressed out and disconnected and physically aching beneath the strain to a downright relaxing combination of part time jobs that added together are still less than half of my prior arrangement. I've lost nearly all of my former structured communities, but continue to dive deeper into relationship with my closely loved friends. I find myself serving individuals rather than causes or projects and have time to engage my kids in silly conversation beyond the functional and logistical aspects of their lives. Like I said - it's weird.

I have been in leadership roles for over 15 years and now have no one to lead, organize or administer. No one reports to me and I rarely report to anyone else. For a professional - that is a strange place to be. I functioned as a professional in my home, at my church and in my community, but that's all gone too. Now I'm the mom making cookies with her kids and grabbing coffee with friends, while working 4 -5 hours each day, not really breaking a sweat or stressing out. I dream about exercise, not the next crisis at work. I wake up wondering what I will do each day - not wondering how it will all get done.
See what I mean? Totally bizarre.

I have viewed this as a gift since it began a few months ago, but now I have noticed my tendency to shrug off this time as being a big blank sheet, without a lot being written. Without the sense of urgency or crisis, my attitude towards each day has started to become a little cavalier as well. Where before I was delighting in my freedom, it's started to feel a little empty.

Now I will be the first to say that this is absolutely where God wants me to be and how He wants me to be living (not perfectly, but confident in the direction) and there is amazing peace in that. Peace that I have prayed for through the last several years. But it doesn't feel significant. When talking to a friend I referenced the unrest I felt having God not ask anything from me in this season.  She replied (in great wisdom) "Do you ever think the season is 'nothing'? Maybe nothing in the sense that we don't have to "do" or "produce" or "contribute". But I think He's always calling us to connect - with Him AND with others."

What I love about this woman (and her comment) is the reflection of God's supremacy and wisdom, paired with compassion. Psalm 119 is FILLED with this. The Psalmist speaks of his own riches, wisdom, company with princes and kings, and worldly blessings - yet it comes back again and again to God's word as true wisdom, true riches, true blessing. The Lord can give great treasure in this world, but nothing exceeds the glory of His presence. I may not have anything asked of me right now in my traditional, productive definition, but I am invited to know Him more and to love Him deeper and to share that with those around me.

It isn't flashy. It isn't glamorous. This new life of mine comes complete with yoga pants and make-up free days. But the season is also filled with time - His time - that He is giving to me to rest, fellowship, pray and meditate in His word. And that's not nothing.